Pillowman II: Sonic the Execution Hedgehog
by LovelessNobodyXIII
Summary: After a series of seven beheadings occur within the country of Outer Heaven, it is up to Detectives Ariel and Tupolski to find the hedgehog responsible and bring him to justice. But when the cases they've buried return from the grave, they'll find themselves in the middle of something they couldn't imagine. Featuring characters from Martin McDonagh's play, "The Pillowman"
1. ACT I: THE MAN KNOWN AS ISIS

**PILLOWMAN II: SONIC THE EXECUTION HEDGEHOG**

Written by Christopher Rangel

 **ACT I: THE MAN KNOWN AS ISIS**

* * *

Scene 1:

"Let me guess", said Detective Ariel. "Another beheading?"

"You got it", said Detective Tupolski. He took a swig of his flask of whiskey.

"Damn, this is the seventh one this month", said Ariel, lighting a cigarette. There was a bustle around the crime scene, and at the middle of it, among spilled bottles of booze and a vast assortment of used condoms, was Mario the Italian plumber, his head a few feet away from the rest of his body and still gushing blood.

"Italy's gonna be pissed", said Ariel. "This man was a national treasure to them."

"Long as there's still wine to drink, the Italians will never get too angry", said Tupolski. "Trust me; we're talking about Italians here."

"You're not Italian, Tupolski", said Ariel.

"I know!" said Tupolski. "But everyone knows that the only thing that matters to an Italian is wine. And maybe pasta. And maybe tomatoes. Oh yeah, and the Mario Brothers. But Luigi's still alive, so its fine."

"Hm…" said Ariel, taking a long drag on his cigarette. He suddenly felt a buzz in his pocket.

"Your phone", said Tupolski.

"I know", said Ariel, taking out his phone. He had received a text from his friend, Agent Dale Cooper from _Twin Peaks_.

"You're gonna want to look at this", was all the text said, with a link to a Youtube video.

"What is it?" asked Tupolski, looking at the phone as well.

"A video", said Ariel. He opened it up and saw an ad for Trojan Condos, followed by a video with a short man in a black, hooded cloak wielding a sword and standing over a gag-mouthed Mario.

"What's up, fuckers?" said the cloaked man. "It's me! Ya boi, ISIS! Here I am, about to kill this mother fucking plumber!"

"Mmph, mmph!" said Mario.

"That's right, I'm gonna fucking kill this man!" said the man known as ISIS, and then he swung the sword and decapitated Mario, then said "Get fucked!" The video ended.

"We're going to need to investigate this", said Tupolski. "We've probably got someone capable of figuring out who this cloaked man is."

"No need", said Ariel, surprised. "Someone's already turned themselves in." He showed Tupolski another text.

"Really?" said Tupolski. "Wow. That was easy. Well, time to head back to HQ, I guess."

* * *

Scene 2:

Ariel and Tupolski entered the Police HQ.

"Ariel, Tupolski!" said the Commandant, Revolver Ocelot. "You're here just in time. The suspect is right in that room, ready for interrogation."

ARIEL + TUPOSLKI: Thank you, Commandant.

Ariel was the first to enter the room, but then he stopped dead in his tracks, causing Tupolski to bump right into him.

TUPOLSKI: What is it, Ariel?

ARIEL: Um… So you know that joke you do? That stupid fucking joke you do to give our suspects a hard time when they ask about their execution? The one about my "Execution Hedgehog"?

TUPOLSKI: What about it?

ARIEL: Just… look.

Ariel continued into the room, and Tupolski followed.

"What the fuck?!" Tupolski said, when he realized who it was they were about to interrogate.

TUPOLSKI: It's Sonic! Sonic the… the…

ARIEL: Sonic the Execution Hedgehog.

Sonic the Execution Hedgehog shrugged. "In the flesh", he said. Ariel and Tupolski regained their composure and sat opposite the hedgehog.

TUPOLSKI: Erm… why are you wearing… three blindfolds?

SONIC: Because my fucking giant eyeballs were too big for one blindfold to do the trick.

TUPOLSKI: Yeah, well… take them off, they just look stupid.

SONIC: You just look stupid.

TUPOLSKI: You can't even fucking see me.

SONIC: Can't I?

ARIEL: He's just fucking with us, Tupolski. (Removes all three blindfolds.)

SONIC: Wow, you look even stupider than I imagined you.

TUPOLSKI: Shut the fuck up.

SONIC: Hey, you guys have any chili dogs around here, ha ha?

TUPOLSKI: I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!

ARIEL: YEAH, HE SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!

SONIC: Alright, alright. Sheesh, what's up your asses, anyways?

TUPOLSKI: Let's cut to the chase, Mr. Sonic the Hedgehog. Have you committed seven murders through beheading this month?

SONIC: You bet your fucking pussy I did!

ARIEL: Hey prick, are you taking this fucking seriously?

SONIC: You bet I am!

ARIEL: Then start fucking showing it! (Hits SONIC in the back of the head.)

SONIC: Ha. Was that supposed to hurt?

ARIEL: Do you want it to fucking hurt?

SONIC: You bet I want it to fucking hurt. No pain, no gain, that's what I always so! Gotta go fast or my nuts won't blast! Woo!

TUPOLSKI: He's speaking nonsense.

SONIC: I'm speaking allsense.

ARIEL: Where's the sword?

SONIC: Oh, you mean this? (Reaches into his ass and pulls out his sword)

TUPOLSKI: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Sonic held the sword in the air and checked it out. "Its name is Excalibur, and it is mine! I used it to behead those motherfuckers!"

Tupolski and Ariel both drew their guns. "Put down the sword and tell us why you did it", said Tupolski. Sonic put his sword on the table and reached into his ass again, then pulled out the seven chaos emeralds.

SONIC: Seven murders. One for each Chaos Emerald. I needed to take those lives in order to fill the Emeralds, and so I have!

Ariel and Tupolski looked at each other. Something was feeling very wrong.

ARIEL: Wait, so you've taken the seven lives you've needed. You've restored power to the seven Chaos Emeralds. You've accomplished everything you've set out to do. Why the hell did you turn yourself in?

SONIC: Heh heh heh…

TUPOLSKI: (Breaking a sweat) Answer the damn question!

SONIC: There is so much neither of you understand…

ARIEL: I've just about had it with you, hedgehog. Tell us what you mean before I break out my fucking electrodes.

SONIC: You can't see how it's all connected. The writer you executed seven months ago. The stories he wrote. The experiment his parents ran on him and his brother. I wonder what they were for, hm?

ARIEL: He's talking about Katurian.

TUPOLSKI: I know he's talking about fucking Katurian!

SONIC: Katurian Katurian Katurian. The key to the puzzle.

TUPOLSKI: What puzzle? What the fuck are you talking about?!

SONIC: All will be revealed in time…

Sonic the Execution Hedgehog walked to the wall of the cell.

"Sit back down!" Ariel yelled. He and Tupolski were ready to open fire.

"Eat my ass", said Sonic, and with that the detectives opened fire. They unloaded both of their clips entirely on the blue hedgehog, and were surprised to see that he was still standing.

"That all?" said Sonic, and he put his hand on the wall, which then exploded, opening the cell to the outside world. "I'll see y'all bitches around!" Sonic started running from the HQ.

"What the fuck is going on in here?" Revolver Ocelot asked as he and a few other armed police officers walked into the room.

"The suspect got away", Tupolski said, keeping his head down.

"Then what the hell are you two standing around for?" asked Revolver Ocelot. "You two are among the best men our country of Outer Heaven has! If anyone can take care of this threat, it's you two!"

ARIEL: You don't mean…

REVOLVER OCELOT: I do. And I'm coming with you.

TUPOLSKI: Commandant!

Revolver Ocelot took out his revolver and gave it a spin.

"Six bullets", said Revolver Ocelot. "More than enough to kill six men. Gentlemen, let's go!" And so they went.

* * *

SCENE 3:

Katurian stands center stage and looks out to THE AUDIENCE.

KATURIAN: My parents showed me many stories when I was growing up, used sort of as a supplement to the sounds of child torture to fuel my creativity. Some of them were the classics, you know, Seuss, The Berenstain Bears, HP Lovecraft. Everything little boys were supposed to read, as well as some other, odder things. One story was especially odd: it was called _Sonic and the Black Knight_. A book which recounted how a blue hedgehog traveled back in time to King Arthur's Court and went on adventures with the Knights of the Round Table. "But Mom", I said after finishing the book, "were there really anthropomorphic hedgehogs and other sorts of animals in King Arthur's Court?" To which she would respond:

MOTHER: Oh Kat, what does the book say?

KATURIAN: 'It says there were', I said.

MOTHER: Then there were. That's the way this world works.

KATURIAN: I shrugged and said 'Alright, just seemed a little weird is all'. And I kept it at that, but those words would bother me for a long time. 'That's the way this world works'. I wouldn't truly understand what those words meant until the day I found that very same hedgehog standing over my grave, and helping me out of it, about seven months after I was shot in the head.

TO BE CONTINUED


	2. ACT II: BLIMBO THE ABORTION

**PILLOWMAN II: SONIC THE EXECUTION HEDGEHOG**

Written by Christopher Rangel

 **ACT II: BLIMBO THE ABORTION**

* * *

Scene 1:

"He went this way", Revolver Ocelot said as he, Tupolski, and Ariel made their way through the town.

ARIEL: Wait a minute…

TUPOLSKI: What is it?

ARIEL: Never mind. It's nothing.

TUPOLSKI: Then why did you say something? If you mean to say nothing, you say nothing, but saying something means you want to say something. So, what is it you wanted to say?

ARIEL: I said fucking nothing!

OCELOT: Gentlemen, please, settle down. That hedgehog will hear us coming from a mile away!

TUPOLSKI: Yeah, Ariel. Sheesh.

ARIEL: …

TUPOLSKI: Wait a second, we're heading towards the Kamenice District!

ARIEL: I noticed that. What I want to know is why.

OCELOT: I mean, I'm just kind of following a fuckin' hedgehog.

ARIEL: No, I mean why is the hedgehog going this way?

TUPOLSKI: He said he had something to do with the Katurians…

ARIEL: What could the bastard be up too?

Revolver Ocelot held a finger to his lips and pointed to a house. Ariel recognized it as Katurian's childhood home. Revolver Ocelot led them around the back and to the wishing well where they had found the little mute girl. There was the sound of a shovel digging dirt.

ARIEL: You've gotta be fucking kidding me.

OCELOT: Shh!

SONIC: Who's there?

Ariel, Tupolski, and Revolver Ocelot quickly hid behind a tree as Sonic the Execution Hedgehog, who seemed to be carrying an aborted fetus, looked in their direction.

SONIC: Gosh, must have been my imagination! Don't worry, Blimbo, everything's fine.

The trio looked back at the scene and watched as Sonic put down the fetus known as Blimbo and started digging up a grave.

TUPOLSKI: (Whispering) We already found the bodies of Katurian's parents. Who else could be buried here?

ARIEL: Katurian. And his brother.

TUPOLSKI: What? I thought we had them incinerated!

ARIEL: Officially, that's what happened. Off the books, I had their burials arranged here.

TUPOLSKI: And a lot of good it did them. Look, that hedgehog's probably going to fuck their corpses now!

OCELOT: How vulgar. I'd only suck their dicks.

TUPOLSKI: Nothing wrong with sucking a dead man's dick.

ARIEL: Nothing wrong at all.

They watched as Sonic finished digging up the graves, then were shocked to see him pull two Chaos Emeralds, one red and one blue, out of his ass.

TUPOLSKI: What's he going to do with that?

OCELOT: Shh!

The Chaos Emeralds emanated a bright light of their respective colors as he raised them towards the sky. Two rays of sunlight passed through the Chaos Emeralds, then blasted into the grave. Sonic the Execution Hedgehog reached into the grave, and another hand reached out of it and took it. Ariel, Tupolski, and Revolver Ocelot's mouths all dropped as they saw Michal Katurian climb out of the grave, and Ariel was the first to react.

Ariel jumped out from his cover, pointed his gun at Sonic, and yelled "You're under fucking arrest!" Sonic stopped for a second, then in the blink of an eye picked up the fetus, took Michal by the hand, and ran away.

TUPOLSKI: Ariel! What the fuck!

ARIEL: Sh, sh, sh, sh.

Ariel, gun still drawn, slowly approached the grave, then looked down.

OCELOT: What do you see, Detective Ariel?

ARIEL: It's… Katurian.

TUPOLSKI: And he's dead, right?

KATURIAN: No. I'm not.

TUPOLSKI: What?

KATURIAN: Ariel? What's going on? I could have sworn I died.

ARIEL: You did. (Extends hand and pulls KATURIAN out of the grave)

Tupolski and Revolver Ocelot stepped out from their cover, and Tupolski drew his gun and pointed it at Katurian.

TUPOLSKI: Looks like I have to finish the job.

ARIEL: Tupolski, wait!

TUPOLSKI: Wait for what?

ARIEL: Something fucking weird is going on, and Katurian is the only one here that might have any answers.

KATURIAN: I don't have any fucking answers; I'm just as confused as you guys are.

TUPOLSKI: (Cocks gun) See, he doesn't have any answers.

KATURIAN: AT THE SAME TIME, I would really prefer not being shot through the head again, so if that could be avoided, that would be great.

ARIEL: Tupolski, he was already executed for his crimes. He hasn't done anything yet to deserve a second execution.

TUPOLSKI: …Fine. (Puts away gun)

KATURIAN: Thank you.

OCELOT: So what's it like? Being dead.

KATURIAN: I can't remember. I can remember that something happened, somehow; I'm not sure if it was with my soul or mind or whatever, but there was definitely something that happened. There might have been a castle? I don't know, but death was definitely something.

TUPOLSKI: Not gonna lie, that's kind of a disappointing account.

KATURIAN: Sorry, that's all I can remember.

TUPOLSKI: What death is like: "There might have been a castle?" Jesus, Katurian, you're a writer! You could have just fucking made something up and we would have believed you!

KATURIAN: Sorry, I guess.

ARIEL: Does anything feel different?

KATURIAN: Not… really. (A beat) Has anything changed since I left?

OCELOT: Quite a bit, actually. Big Boss passed away; he died during the HYDRA HOLYMISSILE CRISIS in Vaticanland. Since then, Master Miller has been doing a decent job holding the place together, but our country will never be the same.

KATURIAN: Huh.

ARIEL: You wouldn't happened to have seen Big Boss in some way while you were dead, would you have?

KATURIAN: I… I can't remember.

TUPOLSKI: We should get moving. We don't want that hedgehog to get away, do we?

ALL: Right. (They get moving)

* * *

Scene 2:

Sonic and Michal enter an apartment in the capital of Outer Heaven, Outer Heaven City. Sonic puts Blimbo in a crib and pulls a chili dog out of his ass.

MICHAL: Gosh, Mr. Sonic, you sure can run fast.

SONIC: Yeah, it's kind of my thing.

MICHAL: Ha, kind of your thing. You know what my "kind of my thing" is?

SONIC: Is it murdering children to test your brother's stories?

MICHAL: It is! Holy wow, Mr. Sonic, how did you know that?

SONIC: It was all part of the plan.

MICHAL: "Part of the plan". Gosh, Mr. Sonic, I don't know what you mean by that, but it sure sounds like a good plan!

SONIC: Thanks, Michal. I appreciate it!

MICHAL: Mm-hm! (Scratches arse) Oh, by the way, I was kind of wondering; why am I still alive? I could have sworn, like, that I was suffocated by a pillow or something, and that my soul went somewhere… like, somewhere… like, with a castle or something?

SONIC: (Holds up the Chaos Emerald he used to revive MICHAL, now colorless) Power of the fuckin' Chaos Emeralds, my dude! That's also how I revived your brother, as well as Blimbo over there!

MICHAL: Oh, my brother's alive. Cool. Uh, who's Blimbo?

SONIC: Blimbo the Abortion! He's my son! Feel free to say hi to him.

MICHAL: Ah. Hi, Blimbo!

BLIMBO: (Disturbing sound somewhere between a growl, screech, and a cough) IRSCH! IRSCH! IRSCH!

SONIC: Aw, he likes you!

MICHAL: Ha ha! Neat!

SONIC: Anyways, what do you think about going out and killing more children?

MICHAL: I don't know. My brother got really mad when he found me out. Like, a put a pillow over my head and murder me sort of mad.

SONIC: Fuck your brother.

MICHAL: Ew, no, gross. I love my brother, but not that way.

SONIC: Not what I meant. Not what I meant.

MICHAL: Oh. Well, if you didn't mean for me to bugger my brother up the arse, what did you mean?

SONIC: Just forget him about him. And forget about the things he said to you. Michal, don't you hate that he killed you?

MICHAL: I mean, to be fair, he did kind of have a reason.

SONIC: Oh for the love of… Look, I brought you back to life. That took the power of an entire Chaos Emerald, filled with the life energy of some guy that I had to murder. Are you going to let that man's life go to waste? Are you not going to pay me back?

MICHAL: Oh, I can pay you back, sure! What do you want?

SONIC: Mind killing some more kids?

MICHAL: Sure, that's kind of my thing!

SONIC: That's the spirit, Michal!

BLIMBO: Irsch! Irsch! Irsch!

SONIC: Aw, Blimbo is hungry! Hold on, I've got the perfect meal for you!

Sonic the Execution Hedgehog opens the large freezer he has in the room, revealing the frozen corpse of Amy Rose. He breaks off a finger, throws it into the microwave, sets it to defrost, and then feeds the finger to Blimbo the Abortion once it's finished.

SONIC: There, there little guy. Your mother may not be alive to help you grow like most mothers do, but she can still nourish you in other ways!

* * *

Scene 3:

Katurian stands center stage, looking out to THE AUDIENCE.

KATURIAN: The story of "A Hedgehog's Choice": Once upon a time there lived two hedgehogs, Sonic and Amy. Amy had loved Sonic for as long as she knew him, and after years of trying to win him over, they got married. And things were happy for a time. Until one day, when Amy had some rather unfortunate news for Sonic. (Sonic and Amy are revealed lying next to each other in bed.

SONIC: Phew, wow Amy! That was a really good night of doing the fuck, was it not?

AMY: Yes, it was. Um, Sonic?

SONIC: What is it, Amy?

AMY: I've got some bad news.

SONIC: I can handle it.

AMY: I'm pregnant.

SONIC: Oh… and that's bad news because you still don't want kids, right?

AMY: Yes. I'm afraid I'm going to have to… have the operation.

SONIC: Right… right…

AMY: Are you alright with that, Sonic?

SONIC: Yeah. I mean, it sucks, but it's your choice to make.

AMY: That means a lot to me. I know how much you wanted to have a kid someday, so I know how hard this is for you. But thank you. So much.

SONIC: No worries, Amy. I'm here for you. Always.

KATURIAN: And so Amy went ahead with the abortion a little time later, and they gave the abortion a proper burial, for they knew it would have grown to be a good man if they had wanted it. And after a few days of sorrow, life continued as it always had, as happy as ever for the two hedgehogs. Until one day, when Sonic met a mysterious man in a dark cloak, who knew many secrets about the world they lived in and changed Sonic's life forever. But that's another story…

* * *

Scene 4:

Katurian, Ariel, Tupolski, and Revolver Ocelot stepped out of the forest.

OCELOT: I can sense him already. He's right at the outskirts of the Capital City.

TUPOLSKI: Alright then, let's go.

?: Not so fast!

They turned and saw none other than TR8R from Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens walking towards them, carrying a glowing purple sword. He stopped and pointed his sword at Katurian.

TR8R: Traitor!

Katurian got nervous and held his hands in front of his face, but then a glowing blue sword appeared in his right hand.

KATURIAN: Huh, that's weird.

ARIEL: You got this?

KATURIAN: (Getting in fighting pose) Sure. How hard can swinging a sword be?

The two opponents stood ready to battle, facing each other with expressions that were very intense. This was going to be one hell of a fight.

TO BE CONTINUED


	3. ACT III: FATAL FACEFUCK

**PILLOWMAN II: SONIC THE EXECUTION HEDGEHOG**

Written by Christopher Rangel

 **ACT III: FATAL FACEFUCK**

* * *

Scene 1:

The two warriors, Katurian Katurian and TR8R, remain where we left them; standing, face to face, ready to battle, at the edge of the forest.

TR8R: HAVE AT THEE THEN!

KATURIAN: EN GARDE!

The two charged towards each other, Katurian with a blue spectral sword and TR8R with a similar, purple one. They swung their swords towards the other, and they met not with a mighty "crash", but more of a weak "dink", as TR8R sent Katurian's sword flying out of his hand, and disintegrating into the sunlight.

TUPOLSKI: Oh for fuck's sake! (Shoots TR8R in the leg)

TR8R: JESUS FUCK! YOU SHOT ME! AW, FUCK! FUCKING FUCKING FUCK! FUCK MY FUCKING ASSHOLE, STICK A FINGER UP IT TOO! OH JESUS! OW! OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (crumples to the ground)(Gets in fetal position)(Soft crying can be heard, but not seen behind the Stormtrooper Mask)

KATURIAN: Did I do it?

TUPOLSKI: He has been bested.

KATURIAN: Fuck yeah! (Spectral Sword rematerializes in his hand) Take that, motherfucker!

TUPOLSKI: You didn't get him.

KATURIAN: Hah?

TUPOLSKI: I had to shoot him because you were too busy fucking sucking.

KATURIAN: Oh.

ARIEL: Jesus, is he still crying?

TR8R: (Crying) Yeah…

TUPOLSKI: What, have you never been shot before?

OCELOT: Tch. He's green, alright.

TR8R: (Propping up on a shoulder) Fuck you I'm not fucking green! I've seen more battles than you could imagine!

OCELOT: Oh really?

TR8R: Really! I fucking died in one of them!

KATURIAN: You… died?

OCELOT: If you've always been such a good soldier, then why are you still crying?

TR8R: (Sniffles) I'm not.

OCELOT: I fucking heard that sniffle!

TR8R: Fuck you, man! (Lies on the ground) Fuck you…

ARIEL: Well, I certainly hope you're a little better now. Because this is the part where we interrogate you.

TR8R: Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

TUPOLSKI: If it's true that you died, how is it that you're breathing now?

TR8R: I don't know. A fucking blue hedgehog came, brought me back to life, and said that I serve him now.

TUPOLSKI: Alright, and this… blue hedgehog. How did he bring you back to life? It's not a thing hedgehogs normally do, bringing people back to life.

TR8R: Chaos Emerald. He had seven of them, he was using them to bring people back to life. I'm not sure how many he's used.

ARIEL: That lines up with everything we know so far.

TUPOLSKI: Yes, it does. It lines right up. And that purple sword you've got. Judging by the fact that our pal Katurian here has a similar blue one, I'd say that it's tied to the Chaos Emerald as well.

TR8R: It is. All the Revived have been granted certain powers from these Emeralds, including these spectral swords.

TUPOLSKI: I see. I see. What I don't see, however, is the hedgehog's reason for doing all of this. Perhaps you'd like to fill us in?

TR8R: Nah.

TUPOLSKI: What?

TR8R: I said fuckin' nah, man. I don't fucking know. I'm, like, the footsoldier. He doesn't tell me shit, I just do what he says.

ARIEL: I don't think we can get much more out of him.

TUPOLSKI: I think we can get at least one more thing. Mr. TR8R, could you tell us where the hedgehog is staying? Where is your base of operations? We know it's in the capital, but we need to know where. So. Where?

TR8R: You know. The place?

TUPOLSKI: The place?

TR8R: Yeah, it's like… a place. In a building… The place!

TUPOLSKI: You… do know where it is, don't you?

TR8R: …

TUPOLSKI: (Sighs) Look, just save yourself and say you're not going to tell us.

TR8R: I've only been there once, okay! And then he brought me out to this edge of the woods and said "if a couple detectives come by, take care of them". The plan was that, when he was done doing what he was doing, he'd come back and we'd go back together. But I totally missed you guys going in. Huh… guess I kinda fucked the poodle. Don't think he's gonna want me back.

ARIEL: (Getting in TR8R's face) Are you really this fucking useless?

TR8R: Yeah, kind of.

KATURIAN: Well, if Sonic won't take you back, why don't you join with us?

ARIEL, TUPOLSKI, OCELOT: WHAT?

KATURIAN: Look, we've both been blessed by the Chaos Emerald; we've both got super powers.

TUPOLSKI: Yeah, but you're both awful. You may have powers, but you don't fucking know how to use them!

KATURIAN: We'll figure it out.

TUPOLSKI: Oh, you'll figure it out. How reassuring.

OCELOT: Here. I'll patch you up, then we'll go to the capital building.

TR8R: Gee, thanks… (Gets patched up)

* * *

Scene 2:

OUTER HEAVEN CAPITAL HQ

Master Miller stands before a large window wall, looking out over the city of which he has command. His anxious fingers scratch at his scalp.

MILLER: I know that something is going on. All these murders… That goddamn blue hedgehog is playing us like a damn fiddle. (Enter REVOLVER OCELOT)

OCELOT: Master Miller!

MILLER: Revolver Ocelot! (They shake hands as ARIEL, TUPOLSKI, KATURIAN, and TR8R enter behind OCELOT) Ariel and Tupolski as well. And… isn't that the writer you guys executed months ago? And what the fuck is up with that Stormtrooper?

OCELOT: It is the Hedgehog, sir.

MILLER: The Hedgehog.

OCELOT: Yes. He is using the Chaos Emeralds to bring people back to life.

MILLER: That's not good. Who do we know of so far that he's brought back.

OCELOT: Well, there's Katurian here, his brother Michal, and TR8R, the Stormtrooper you see before you. Aside from that, we don't know. He was taking care of an aborted fetus; I'd assume he used an emerald on that, but we don't know for sure.

MILLER: And you don't know of anyone else who was brought back to life.

OCELOT: No, no idea who else has been revived.

?: I know of some others.

MILLER: Who goes there?! (The door opens. The corpses of the two guards who had been standing by the door fall to the ground)(Enter BIG BOSS)

BIG BOSS: Me.

MILLER: Big Boss!

BIG BOSS: And I've brought some friends with me. (Enter FORREST GUMP and CAILLOU)

TUPOLSKI: Who… who is that?

ARIEL: No… no, it can't be…

BIG BOSS: You've done a good job, Kaz. Thanks. I'll take my country back now.

MILLER: And what are you going to do with it?

BIG BOSS: What the Hedgehog wants me to.

MILLER: I can't let you do that, Boss.

BIG BOSS: Excuse me?

MILLER: The real Big Boss wouldn't want me to give you command.

BIG BOSS: I am the real Big Boss.

MILLER: No. (Draws pistol) You're not.

BIG BOSS: So it's like that, then? I had expected more from you. (He holds out his hand, in which a spectral golden gunblade materializes)(Points gun at Miller) Get out of my way before I blow you to smither-fucking-reens.

MILLER: (Pulls button out of pocket) If I press this button, this entire building will detonate, killing everyone inside, including you and your cronies. But if you back off, no one will have to die!

BIG BOSS: Hmph. (Lowers weapon)

TUPOLSKI: My son…

OCELOT: Detective Tupolski, keep it together.

TUPOLSKI: That's my son. Caillou.

ARIEL: And that's my father. Forrest Gump.

FORREST: (Seeing ARIEL) Well, well, well! Howdy doody there, little Forrest.

ARIEL: That's not my name anymore.

FORREST: What? Why not?

ARIEL: Because you're not my father anymore.

FORREST: Not your… What are you talking about, little Forrest?

ARIEL: You know what I'm talking about. (Draws gun)

FORREST: Ah, don't worry about it, little Forrest. I've got a new son now! (Puts hand on Caillou's butt)

TUPOLSKI: (Drawing gun) Get your hands off of my son!

CAILLOU: I'm not your son anymore.

TUPOLSKI: What?

CAILLOU: You weren't there for me. You let me drown. Mr. Gump is there for me. He is my dad now.

TUPOLSKI: Caillou… step away from that… that monster, now!

CAILLOU: (A turquoise spectral sword materializes in his hand) No.

FORREST: (A green spectral sword materializes in his hand) You're not taking my son away from me.

ARIEL: (Seething with rage) No, but I will!

OCELOT: Ariel, no!

Ariel rushes forward to tackle FORREST GUMP, but FORREST deftly steps out of the way and swings his sword upward, severing ARIEL's right arm.

FORREST: (Picking up ARIEL's severed arm) Ha ha ha! I know what I'm doing with this later! You know, little Forrest, you were the only one I knew who gave handjobs as good as my beloved Jenn-ay! But don't worry, I'll teach Caillou how to do it right. I'll teach him how to do ALL of it right!

ARIEL: (Holding the stump where his right arm used to be) You think this is going to stop me from killing you, old man?

FORREST: Uhhhh, yeah!

ARIEL: Well you're wrong. Because you are everything I stand against. Because I will not let you get away from me. Because from this day forward, everything I do will be done in order to destroy you again, once and for all! And this time I won't let them bury you. You're not coming back a second time. I will burn you to ashes, and then drop your ashes one by one in every corner of the Earth, so that you'll never hurt a child again.

FORREST: Did I hurt you, Little Forrest?

ARIEL: Hah… what do you think? (Passes out from blood loss)

SONIC: (Having entered at some point when no one was looking)(Carrying BLIMBO THE ABORTION) Are we done with this yet? (TUPOLSKI, KATURIAN, TR8R, REVOLVER OCELOT, and MASTER MILLER all turn around in surprise)

TUPOLSKI: It's that goddamn Hedgehog!

SONIC: You bet your little boy pussy!

MILLER: It's time to end this! (Points gun at SONIC)

SONIC: Oh no you don't! (Holds up the detonation button)

MILLER: (Grunts)(Doesn't put down the gun) How the hell did you get that?

SONIC: How the fuck do you think? I'm a fucking super fast fucking hedgehog!

BIG BOSS: Do you really want to sacrifice the lives of everyone in this building?

MILLER: …

BIG BOSS: Ha ha ha. (slowly draws gun) Well, anyways, It's all over now.

MILLER: (Without turning around) And how is that?

BIG BOSS: You lost your leverage. (Shoots MILLER in the head) You're NOT pretty good.

OCELOT: MILLER! (MILLER falls to the ground, dead)

SONIC: Michal, get in here! We're almost finished.

MICHAL: Sure thing, Mr. Sonic! (Enter MICHAL)

KATURIAN: Michal!

MICHAL: Oh, hi Katurian!

SONIC: Alright, that's everyone! By now, all of you should be emotionally crushed and defeated, so this should be easy for us!

KATURIAN: We're not defeated yet…

MICHAL: Erm, well, are one of you currently unconscious and bleeding out on the floor?

KATURIAN: Well, hes, but…

MICHAL: Erm, but wasn't another one of you just straight up shot through the head?

KATURIAN: Yes, but that doesn't mean…

MICHAL: Well, are we currently the ones holding onto the self-destruct button?

KATURIAN: Michal…

MICHAL: Yes is the answer to that one.

SONIC: Very good work, Michal. Now, let's finish them off!

MICHAL: Yes, let us finish them off! …Erm, how are we going to finish them off?

SONIC: By killing them, Michal.

MICHAL: Ooooohhh, by killing them. Erm, how are we going to do that?

SONIC: Well I was thinking either by beheading them or throwing them out the window. I don't know. What do you guys think?

FORREST: Throwing them out the window sounds fun!

CAILLOU: Yeah, what he said!

BIG BOSS: If we behead them in my office, there will be a huge mess. It's bad enough that two of them are already bleeding all over the place. I say throw them out the window.

BLIMBO: IRSCH!

SONIC: Sounds like we're throwing them out the window.

TUPOLSKI: You're not throwing us anywh… (MICHAL, BIG BOSS, FORREST GUMP, and CAILLOU all raise up their hands, and a blast of energy the same color as the respective emerald that brought them back to life blasts to the heroes. Strangely enough, Sonic also releases a blast of energy. Instinctively, both KATURAIN and TR8R do the same, but they ultimately lose, since it's four against two, and KATURIAN, TUPOLSKI, ARIEL, REVOLVER OCELOT, and TR8R are all blasted out of the window, sending them spiraling down to the city below.)

* * *

Scene 3:

KATURIAN stands center stage, looking out over THE AUDIENCE.

KATURIAN: The story of "A Hedgehog's Descent": Once upon a time there was a blue hedgehog named Sonic the Hedgehog. He and his wife Amy had a happy life, living in a small house at the west end of the Green Hill Zone. One day he had gone out to market when he saw a mysterious figure hanging out near the Labyrinth Zone. A figure in a dark cloak. He approached the stranger and asked…

SONIC: Is something the matter?

?: Is something the matter? Oh yes, I think something is quite the matter.

SONIC: What is it? Is there any way I can help?

?: You see, the problem is my job. The job that I've been given, it gives me access to certain… information about the world. Information I wish I hadn't had.

SONIC: What sort of information?

?: Well… but oh, I shouldn't tell you. Certainly that would be a bad idea.

SONIC: If you say so.

?: But maybe… If I did tell someone, it might help lighten my load. Oh, but who knows what it will do to someone like you.

SONIC: I can take it, man! Don't worry, I want to help you!

?: Well alright. If you really want to hear about it…

KATURIAN: And the man explained everything to the blue hedgehog. The fact that his world was that of a terrible fanfiction, the fact that his god, The Godchris, was writing it merely for his own amusement, and the job he had as the LOTUS of Sanity to try and keep the world from falling into absolute insanity. A job he was growing very tired of.

SONIC: And how do I know you're not just making this up?

?: Here. I shall erase all doubt from your mind (slowly waves a hand, as if casting a spell)

SONIC: My Godchris. You're right!

?: Thanks. I feel a little better now.

SONIC: I'm glad.

?: I'm afraid I must be moving on. I've been tasked with finding The Plot, and I haven't seen heads nor tails of it anywhere.

KATURIAN: And with that, the stranger went on his way. But Sonic the Hedgehog never forgot about him or the secrets he told. Every day the knowledge that his life was nothing more than a fanfiction, and the fact that his essence had been stolen from another world started eating away at his sanity, until one day he finally snapped.

AMY: (Pacing around the living room) Sonic's running really late. I hope nothing bad happened to him. (Enter SONIC with a sword in one hand and a colorless Chaos Emerald in the other). Oh, you're home!

SONIC: …

AMY: Sonic?

SONIC: You killed my son.

AMY: What?

SONIC: You heard me.

AMY: I… we agreed it was for the best. Don't you remember?

SONIC: Get on your knees.

AMY: What?

SONIC: We'll bring him back together, Amy. We will! Now, I just need you to get on your knees and give me the best head you've ever given me.

AMY: I mean, sure, why not? (Gets on her knees) But, like, what's up with the sword?

SONIC: Don't worry about the sword, Amy. Just worry about the succ.

AMY: Weird flex, but okay. (Begins sucking SONIC's dick).

SONIC: Oh yeah, Amy. Just like that. No nut November is overrated anyways. Ooo, yeah. OOOOHHHHHHH! (Right at the moment SONIC starts to orgasm, he swings down his sword, Excalibur, and beheads AMY) OW! OHH! JESUS FUCK! FUUUUUUCK!

KATURIAN: Much to Sonic's surprise, the moment his blade made contact with the back of Amy's neck, her teeth reflexively chomped down onto his blue hedge-cock. (AMY's body crumples to the floor, but her head is still attached to SONIC's penis by the teeth. At the same time, though, the Chaos Emerald starts glowing grey)

SONIC: Ow ow ow ow ow! Alright, here we… gooooooo! (After putting down his sword and the Chaos Emerald, now glowing grey, SONIC reaches into a deceased AMY's mouth and tears her semen covered jaws open, allowing him to release his penis. After investigating his manhood, however, he realizes that his entire penis has been bitten off, except for a little bit of exposed urethra). Goddammit. (He puts AMY's head on the table and picks EXCALIBUR up once more, then snips what's left of his urethra off and puts a bandage on his gaping, blood blasting wound) It wasn't your fault, Amy. It wasn't your fault. (Stuffs AMY's body in the freezer, then puts her head on top of it.) He'll be with us soon, dear. And he will free us all from this Hell we've been cast into. Just you wait. Just you wait.

TO BE CONTINUED


	4. ACT IV: THE PERFECT VESSEL

**PILLOWMAN II: SONIC THE EXECUTION HEDGEHOG**

Written by Christopher Rangel

 **ACT IV: THE PERFECT VESSEL**

* * *

Scene 1:

Big Boss stood by the shattered window, watching over the burning city below. Shortly after Miller had been deposed, and his body dragged from the office by a couple faceless armed guards, Sonic had contacted his friends from ISIS, and now their tanks and their troops spread through the city. Big Boss's city. He lit a cigar and took a big puff, letting the smoke rise into the outside air and drift up into the clear blue sky.

* * *

Scene 2:

Dinnertime. BLIMBO sits at the table while SONIC waits by the microwave. BLIMBO has grown since the last time we've seen him, from the size of an aborted fetus (which he is) to the size of a child, yet still skinless and insectile.

BLIMBO: To dinner, wait how long must I, father?

SONIC: Dinner will be ready soon enough.

BLIMBO: Good. Good.

SONIC: This will be a very special dinner, Blimbo. Do you know why?

BLIMBO: Why is father it?

SONIC: Tonight you will devour the final piece of your mother. (Microwave DINGS). Oh, and it's ready now! (Removes plate from the microwave) Are you ready to eat your mother's pussy, Blimbo?

BLIMBO: Me father feed.

SONIC: Bon apetit! (Puts a fork and knife on the plate and puts it on the table in front of BLIMBO)

BLIMBO: (Reaches out to grab his fork, then recoils after he touches it. He musters his strength to grasp it, as he does every meal) Why it does much hurt so?

SONIC: Your hand?

BLIMBO: Yes. Every time other like just.

SONIC: (Smiles sadly) It's because you don't have any skin, Blimbo. You see, for other people, like me, we've got a layer of skin covering the rest of our body, to protect our muscles, blood vessels, all of that sensitive stuff. But you… (A beat) You don't have any skin. You're unprotected. But hey, at least you're…

BLIMBO: Skin want I.

SONIC: You want skin. I'll do my best, son. I'll get Michal on it, and find a suit of skin that will fit you just right! (Blackout)

* * *

Scene 3:

TUPOLSKI regained consciousness before his eyes opened. He slowly reached into his pocket, then sighed in relief. It was still there. His Protajewel. That's what saved him from his fall. He opened his eyes and sat up. Around him, his comrades KATURIAN, REVOLVER OCELOT, and TR8R were beginning to stir. ARIEL was already awake, and frantically trying to keep his wound bandaged.

ARIEL: Shit. Come on, goddammit.

TUPOLSKI: Hey dumbass, struggling like that will only kill you faster.

ARIEL: With the odds we have now, a faster death might be better.

TUPOLSKI: Hm. Maybe you're right. (Sits back against building) Maybe a faster death would be better. Don't have to worry about anything if you're dead.

ARIEL: How the hell can you be so relaxed right now? You know what my father is going to do to your son.

TUPOLSKI: Yes, Ariel, I do know what your father is going to do to my son, but I'm staying calm because it's more efficient to REMAIN CALM INSTEAD OF RAGING THE FUCK OUT! (Raging the fuck out) SHOULD I BE RAGING THE FUCK OUT, DETECTIVE ARIEL?! SHOULD I?!

REVOLVER OCELOT: (Picking his head up) Keep your goddamn voice down. They may have sent troops out to look for us.

TR8R: Aw fuck. I should have stayed on their side. It would have been easier.

OCELOT: Sometimes the easier way isn't the right way. Eyes affront, soldier; we'll make it out of this yet.

TR8R: If you say so.

OCELOT: I hear people coming. Hide, or press yourselves against the walls. (They do so, and then watch as a line of soldiers pass the alley, carrying the black flags of ISIS)

ARIEL: ISIS!

TUPOLSKI: That damn hedgehog.

OCELOT: I can't believe boss would stand for this.

KATURIAN: Why not? I thought he founded this country to be a safe place for mercenary regimes.

OCELOT: He did. But ISIS is different from other mercenary regimes. It is a regime without an ideology, yet it pretends to have ideologies rooted in the religion of Islam, while it attracts the most violent and bloodthirsty killers from across the world to live out their fantasies of senseless violence, and in the process smear Allah's name in the mud.

TUPOLSKI: Wait, commandant, are you Muslim?

OCELOT: I have many religions. Islam is indeed one of them.

ARIEL: …How does that work?

OCELOT: …Alright, you got me. I'm fucking agnostic, but I respect the lessons that all world religions teach. Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, etc. All of them, except for Scientology. What the fuck even is that? It's like the New Jersey of religions. Like, is it even a religion, or just Tom Cruise trying to make a quick buck?

TUPOLSKI: (Disdainful sneer) I'll try not to take that personally.

OCELOT: Sorry, Detective Tupolski. Nothing personal. You've just got a weird-ass religion.

ARIEL: You know, this conversation is really great and all-inclusive, but just to remind y'all, I'm currently bleeding out, and the streets are currently being flooded with hostile forces. I do not want to let my recently revived father be the thing that kills me.

OCELOT: You're right, this is indeed a pickle. Anyone here have a first aid kit?

EVERYONE: Nope.

OCELOT: Well shit.

TR8R: I've got a blaster pistol on me. Perhaps I could cauterize the wound.

ARIEL: With a gun?!

TR8R: With a LASER gun, motherfucker!

TUPOLSKI: (Coughs) Fatherfucker.

ARIEL: I heard that, Tupolski! (TR8R blasts ARIEL's wound from a sidewards angle) FUCK!

OCELOT: Who ordered you to fire, soldier?!

TR8R: Shit, sorry, I thought we agreed that I was going to do this?

OCELOT: Yeah, when Detective Ariel was ready, numbskull!

TR8R: D'oh. My bad. Well, anyways, it's cauterized now, right?

ARIEL: Yeah, just like your dickhole will be in a few seconds. (TUPOLSKI is just chuckling in the background)

OCELOT: Gentlemen, gentlemen! Settle down! There's no time for us to fight!

TUPOLSKI: Yeah, guys! No time to fight!

ARIEL: Oh, shut the fuck up, Detective Tupolski!

OCELOT: Detective Ariel!

ARIEL: What?

OCELOT: As your commanding officer I command you to cool off a bit. Can you do that?

ARIEL: I'll… (taking a deep breath) I'll do my best, commandant.

OCELOT: Good. Now, the next thing we need to do is figure out a plan. Let me think… (Takes out his two revolvers and starts spinning them around for like three minutes in an impressive show of gunplay. This is his method of meditation) That's it! (Does a backflip, at the top of which he catches both guns, throws them higher into the air, juggles them with his feet, lands on his feet, catches one revolver in his right hand, has the other revolver land right on the barrel of that revolver, then he bounces it into the air and catches it in his left hand.) Of course. It's so obvious!

TUPOLSKI: What is it, sir?

OCELOT: We're straight fucked. We gotta get the fuck out of this city.

KATURIAN: That's the best idea you can come up with?

OCELOT: There is no other alternative. We have to escape to another country, find some allies, and lead an army back here to reclaim Outer Heaven.

ARIEL: That probably is the best move. But the streets are flooded with those ISIS fucks; it's not gonna be easy getting out of here.

OCELOT: We'll just have to make this a stealth mission, then. Everyone hear that?

TR8R: Uh, yeah… erm, stealth missions have never really been my specialty, tho.

KATURIAN: Erm, yeah, and I've never really been on a mission of any sort, really. I'm just a storyteller.

OCELOT: You two will just have to do your best, then.

TUPOLSKI: Yeah, and if you guys get caught, we'll already be gone, so it'll be fine.

KATURIAN: Reasonable.

OCELOT: Alright men, let's get out of here!

And so they started sneaking through the city, making sure to avoid any and all ISIS troops.

* * *

Scene 4:

MICHAL walks down a street in Outer Heaven City, carrying a collector's edition "Wal-Mart Bart" shopping bag. He looks left and right as we walks down the road, as if looking for something in the aisle of a grocery store. Then he sees what he's looking for; through one of the windows he sees a child playing a light-gun game. His window was open, so MICHAL braced himself on the ground, then used his Chaos Emerald powers to enter the child's room through the window.

CHILD: (Pointing the light gun at MICHAL) What in tarnation?!

MICHAL: Hey, you're Mike Teavee, aren't you?

MIKE: Might be.

MICHAL: From _Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory_ …

MIKE: Damn straight! I ain't from that shitbag excuse for a remake.

MICHAL: Oh, no. Oh, no.

MIKE: Well, I can see you're a man of culture, but I don't get what you're doing in my room!

MICHAL: Oh? Well, I'm your biggest fan, Mike Teavee!

MIKE: So you want my autograph, then?

MICHAL: Yeah, sure do, Mike!

MIKE: I might do that. At the same time, it might be a good idea for me to call the cops. A rando did just break into my room after all.

MICHAL: You could, and probably should, call the cops, if we're being honest, but at the same time… (a beat) you're playing a video game.

MIKE: Huh?

MICHAL: The Mike Teavee from _Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory_ didn't play video games. The Mike Teavee from _Charlie and the Chocolate Factory_ , on the other hand, did.

MIKE: (Under his breath) Motherfucker. (To MICHAL) Alright, alright, you'll get my damn autograph if you still want it.

MICHAL: Gee, thank you Mr. Teavee. Thank you so very much! (MIKE TEAVEE turns around to find a pen to sign with. As he does so, MICHAL silently pulls a shiv out of his pocket, sneaks up behind MIKE, and stabs him in the back.)

MIKE: O, I am slain! (he dies)

PARENT: (From below) Mike?!

MICHAL: Sorry, this is gonna get real messy. (Quickly yet carefully removes the skin from MIKE starting from the knife wound, then leaps back out the window)(Enter PARENT)

PARENT: Mike, is everything alright? (Sees MIKE's skinless corpse on the floor)(Screaming) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

* * *

Scene 5:

A couple ISIS troops stand, rifles drawn, in front of a tank.

ISIS 1: أخبرني قصة

ISIS 2: حسنا. وفقا لجميع القوانين المعروفة

من الطيران ،

لا توجد طريقة نحلة

يجب أن تكون قادرة على الطيران.

جناحيه صغيرة جدا للحصول عليها

جسدها القليل من الدهون على الأرض.

النحلة ، بالطبع ، تطير على أي حال

لأن النحل لا يهتم

ما يعتقده البشر مستحيلاً.

KATURIAN: (Crashing sound) Ow! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

ISIS 1: (Exclamation mark appears over his head) هاه؟ ما كان هذا الضجيج؟

ISIS 2: سأذهب للتحقق من ذلك. (Walks in the direction of the noise) لا أرى أي ... (Horrifiic death gurgle)

ISIS 1: إيزيس اثنين؟ إيزيس اثنين ، هل أنت بخير؟ (Follows ISIS 1)(Another horrific death gurgle)(Enter KATURIAN, TUPOLSKI, ARIEL, REVOLVER OCELOT, and TR8R)

TUPOLSKI: Goddammit, Katurian!

KATURIAN: Sorry, alright! I tripped, it happens!

OCELOT: How is your ankle?

KATURIAN: I think it's sprained, but I should be able to push through. (Takes a step) Ow ow ow ow.

TUPOLSKI: You know you're going to have to push through it, right?

ARIEL: No, Tupolski, there is no question. There was a question: Could we make it out of the city without Katurian fucking it up for us, but the answer is plain to see now.

KATURIAN: Hey, we can still make it through alright! Just means a little more pain on my end, is all.

OCELOT: We are almost at the border. Save the bickering for after we cross it!

TR8R: (Nudges KATURIAN) Hey man, I'm glad to have you around.

KATURIAN: Why is that?

TR8R: I always felt like a fuckup, but next to you, I don't feel so bad!

?: (From offstage) Hey, uh, where do you guys think you're going?

KATURIAN: That voice… (Enter MICHAL, carrying a shopping bag full of flesh)

MICHAL: Katurian! What are you doing here?

KATURIAN: Go the other way, Michal.

TUPOLSKI: Goddammit. (Draws pistol)

KATURIAN: Don't worry, I've got this.

TUPOLSKI: Yeah? Like how you got fighting that dimwit?

KATURIAN: This is different. I know my brother.

TUPOLSKI: Yeah, alright.

MICHAL: So, uh, the hedgehog told me that I had to bring you guys back with me.

KATURIAN: Did he?

MICHAL: Uh, yeah. He seemed pretty ada… ad… adamant about it!

KATURIAN: I'm sure he did. We'll go with you, Michal. Lead the way. We'll be right behind you.

MICHAL: Really? Oh gosh, wow, that was easy! Alright, this way! (Walks offstage, not even noticing that no one is following him)

KATURIAN: (A beat) What was in that grocery bag?

ARIEL: …Groceries?

KATURIAN: I hope so. (A beat) Let's get the fuck out of here. (They exit)

* * *

Scene 6:

SONIC THE EXECUTION HEDGEHOG sits in his apartment, tapping his fingers on the table as he waits for MICHAL's return. BLIMBO THE ABORTION is in another room. MICHAL enters with his WAL-MART BART shopping bag, and keeps the door open.

MICHAL: Heya, Sonic! I brought the stuff, as well as a few people you were looking for! (Looks behind him; sees no one is there) Oh, shoot, where did they go?

SONIC: I'd put my money on there never having been anyone, Michal.

MICHAL: No, but there was! I told Katurian, the detectives, and those other guys to follow me! Gosh, I hope they didn't get lost. 'Cause this is a pretty big city. Wouldn't you agree that this is a pretty big city, Mr. Sonic?

SONIC: The skin, Michal?

MICHAL: Oh, yeah, right, the skin! (Hands SONIC the bag) There ya go, Mr. Sonic. Now, I'm gonna try and find out where the others got off to!

SONIC: You do that, Michal. (Exit MICHAL) Blimbo! Get in here!

BLIMBO: Is it what?

SONIC: I've got something for you! (Shows shopping bag)

BLIMBO: Bag the in what's?

SONIC: Why don't you find out for yourself? (Hands him the bag)

BLIMBO: (Takes the skin of MIKE TEAVEE out of the bag) Bought you me skin!

SONIC: Well go on, try it on, son! (BLIMBO dons MIKE's skin) How do you like it?

BLIMBO: (Wearing a dissatisfied, but not ungrateful frown) Okay its.

SONIC: Just okay?

BLIMBO: Not the this is… P… Perfect… vessel.

SONIC: Perfect vessel?

BLIMBO: Perfect… vessel. Bring me… the Godchris.

* * *

Scene 7:

KATURIAN stands center stage, looking out over THE AUDIENCE.

KATURIAN: The story of "A Hedgehog's Scheme". SONIC THE HEDGEHOG was out looking for the rest of the Chaos Emeralds when he was approached by yet another mysterious figure.

SONIC: Who are you?

GENESIS: The name is Genesis Rhapsodos. We have a mutual acquaintance.

SONIC: Mutual acquaintance?

GENESIS: The LotUS of Sanity.

SONIC: Oh yeah, that guy. I remember him. What do you want, anyways?

GENESIS: The LotUS has granted you a certain knowledge, and I want to give you the opportunity to use it to your full advantage.

SONIC: I'm interested. Shoot!

GENESIS: First of all, a gift from the LotUS himself. (Hands SONIC a book)

SONIC: _The Pillowman_ by Martin McDonagh?

GENESIS: Yes, Martin McDonagh's _The Pillowman_.

SONIC: No offense, but, uh… why the fuck are you handing me a play?

GENESIS: You see, the Godchris himself recently assistant directed a production of this play.

SONIC: Alright.

GENESIS: Which means the characters within this play should have already been absorbed into this world.

SONIC: Alright, sure. What's this have to do with me?

GENESIS: You see, within this play, one of the characters, a certain Katurian Katurian Katurian, is a writer, and many of his writings are presented within the story. The characters within those stories should come into existence as well, but there's more.

SONIC: Go on.

GENESIS: Because of these facts, this character is a paradox. Anything he writes within this world will become a part of this world; he is essentially a minor god.

SONIC: So you're suggesting I find a way to put his power to my own use?

GENESIS: Yes, exactly. If you can put yourself at the beginning and the end of the story, you can have complete control over Katurian's life. However, in this world, stories often go astray. You must ensure that everything goes as close to the original play as possible.

SONIC: Don't worry, I've got this!

KATURIAN: And so Sonic went off, looking for the writer Katurian Katurian, who, at this point, was hardly even a writer at all, and still very much a child. As Sonic searched, he read Martin McDonagh's _The Pillowman_ over and over again, making sure that he had the entire script committed to memory, and making sure he understood everything between the lines as well. Eventually he was led to the Kamince District on the outskirts of Outer Heaven, where he found what he was looking for. But things were different from what he had read in the script.

MOM: (Reading to MICHAL, who is sleeping in bed) …and they lived happily ever after.

MICHAL: Thanks for reading to me, Mom!

MOM: Of course, Michal!

DAD: (Entering with a baby in his hand) And don't forget to say good night to your baby brother!

MICHAL: Of course! Good night, Kat! (Kisses the baby's forehead)

KATURIAN: What Sonic found was a happy, loving family, because, in many cases, this world could be a second chance, and for the Katurians, it was. Katurian would never hear Michal being tortured because Michal never would be tortured because things had gone differently for their parents in this world. That is, until Sonic came around. One day he met with Katurian's parents, and suggested:

SONIC: Wouldn't it be an interesting artistic experiment if, say, you have two kids, and while you encourage one of them to be a writer, you torture the other one in the next room. I wonder what sort of stories would be written.

KATURIAN: And they thought about it for a while, and ultimately they decided to go with it. And as they did, Sonic watched over the Katurians, making sure that nothing deviated from the play they had been taken from, and everything went just as it was supposed to, from the torture to the execution. And by the time Katurian had been executed, Sonic had found all seven chaos emeralds and was ready for the next phase of his plan. Things could have been different for the Katurians, but instead, they weren't. The only difference was for the blue hedgehog placed at the beginning and the end of their story.

* * *

Scene 8:

A bedroom in London, England. One of the bed's two occupants is tossing and turning, haunted by bad dreams, until he suddenly sits up, awake.

MAY FROM POKEMON: What is it, Chris? (I am Chris. This is where I enter the story.)

CHRIS: Something's wrong.

MAY FROM POKEMON: I'm sure it was just a bad dream, dear.

CHRIS: No, something is very wrong. Something is about to go down. (A beat) We need to get to Outer Heaven. And soon.

MAY FROM POKEMON: Why?

CHRIS: (A beat) There's something coming… an Ending.

TO BE CONTINUED


	5. ACT V: BLUELIUS CAESAR

**PILLOWMAN II: SONIC THE EXECUTION HEDGEHOG**

Written by Christopher Rangel

 **ACT V: BLUELIUS CAESAR**

* * *

Scene 1:

 **LONDON, ENGLAND**

Ring, ring, ring, the alarm went for the fiftieth time that morning, singing to the unbelieving ears of SHIRC ANNEGEL, a man who looked very much like myself except less cool.

SHIRC: Rmmmph… Rmmmph… Oh, fuck! (Sits up and turns off the alarm, then shrugs, lies back down, and continues sleeping.)(Several beats)(Sits back up and looks at the time) Oh, actual fuck! (Jumps out of bed and gets ready for the day) Chris is gonna be pissed! (He finishes getting ready, puts on his FORBIDEN BACKPACK full of A BUNCH OF SHIT, then jumps out the door and starts walking hastily towards my house. He takes out his smartphone, puts in his earphones, and starts listening to Queen's cover of The Platters' hit song, "The Great Pretender", singing along to it)

Oh yes, I'm the great Pretender.

Pretending I'm doing well.

My need is such, I pretend too much

I'm lonely, but no one can tell.

Oh yes, I'm the great Pretender.

Adrift in a world of my own.

I play the game but to my real shame

You've left me to dream all alone… (And so on)(On the way he passes SHERLOCK HOLMES)

SHERLOCK: Oh, hello Shirc. Running late again?

SHIRC: Oh, uh… (Fumbles with earphones) How could you tell?

SHERLOCK: Well, you don't need to be Sherlock Holmes to recognize a person who's late for something. And, even as Sherlock Holmes, I didn't even need to go into my Mind Cathedral to know that it's one in the afternoon.

SHIRC: Oh, uh, I see.

SHERLOCK: And, on top of that, I just paid Chris a visit, and his first words upon opening the door were "You're not Shirc. Where the fuck is that, pardon my French, cunt?"

SHIRC: Oh geez!

SHERLOCK: (Pointing at SHIRC's chest) Oh hey, what's that?

SHIRC: (Looking down) What's what?

SHERLOCK: (Lifts his finger to flick SHIRC's nose) Ha! Gottem!

SHIRC: Oh, ha ha, yeah, you got me!

SHERLOCK: Why the hell are you still standing here?

SHIRC: Huh?

SHERLOCK: You're still running late, aren't you?

SHIRC: Oh, shit, yeah. Uh, thanks for reminding me, Sherlock.

SHERLOCK: Anytime, young Shirc. Anytime. (He hastily finished the walk to my house and knocked on the door)(I open the door)

CHRIS: There you are!

SHIRC: Sorry I'm late! (Pushes his way into the house) Uh, what needs doing today?

CHRIS: We've gotta get going to Outer Heaven.

SHIRC: Huh? Ou… Outer Heaven? That's in, like, South Africa, isn't it?

CHRIS: Yeah, right around there.

SHIRC: Why are we… Geez that's a long way away… Did you give, like, a heads up or something and then I just forgot?

CHRIS: No; I had no intention of going to Outer Heaven until this morning.

SHIRC: Huh… Kind of… Uncharacteristically spontaneous.

CHRIS: I received a vision. Something bad is about to happen down there, and we need to get there in time.

SHIRC: Oh geez, this is intense.

CHRIS: (Nods) You're going to need this. (Hands SHIRC a blue-greenish sword)

SHIRC: Oh, hoo boy!

CHRIS: It's called Malachite Dream, and you're going to need it.

SHIRC: Uh, alright, if you say so. (A beat) Has my training really gone that well? I'm not sure I've earned…

CHRIS: The time for training is over now, Shirc! We're in the shit now!

SHIRC: Oh, uh, geez, sorry. Thanks.

CHRIS: Sorry, Shirc, I shouldn't have snapped at you like that. It's just… I've worked so hard to create this world, and whatever's happening in Outer Heaven… I think could potentially destroy everything I've created.

SHIRC: Sounds pretty bad.

CHRIS: Yeah. (A beat)(Calling upstairs) Hey May, you almost ready!?

MAY FROM POKEMON: (Calling from upstairs) Hold on! (A beat)(Comes down the stairs) Sorry, had some trouble finding my Protajewel.

CHRIS: Yeah, you're gonna need that. (A beat) Shit, my Protajewel! (Starts running upstairs)

MAY FROM POKEMON: I… thought you didn't need a Protajewel.

CHRIS: (Stops) Right. You're right. I don't need Protajewels because I'm the Godchris. Silly of me. (Rubs face in stress) Alright, the plane leaves in a couple hours. We should probably get going.

MAY FROM POKEMON: Right!

SHIRC: I guess. (There is a ring at the door)

CHRIS: I'll get it. (Opens door)(Standing outside is celebrity director BARRY GOLDER (Gary dis is u)) Celebrity director Barry Golder! You got my message!

BARRY: Yeah, sure did! And I want no part in this whatsoever, so, like, is it cool if I just fuck off now?

CHRIS: Yeah, you can fuck off now.

BARRY: Sweet, cool. Just don't lose your head out there bud, alright? (FORESHADOWING?)(Exit BARRY)

CHRIS: Alright, everyone ready to go?

SHIRC + MAY FROM POKEMON: Ye.

CHRIS: Alrighty! And away we go!

Everyone got in my car, a 2001 Toyata Camry which I named "The Rocinante", and we drove off to the airport.

* * *

Scene 2:

 **PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA**

 **THE PRESIDENT'S RESIDENCE**

(The scene opens to TUPOLSKI, ARIEL, OCELOT, KATURIAN, and TR8R standing in the office of the President of South Africa, Traumus De Groin (Tom dis is u))

OCELOT: We are much obliged to you, President De Groin, for granting us Sanctuary in your homeland.

GROIN: Anytime, good Ocelot. Anytime. I'm sorry to hear what's become of your nation.

OCELOT: Indeed. But we shall take it back, and save the world as well, with your help.

GROIN: Well you definitely have my support. But you know as well as I do that we're going to need more than the entire South African military to take Outer Heaven.

OCELOT: We can try asking the Americans. They always get a hard-on at the prospect of violently interfering with the politics of other nations.

GROIN: That they do, that they do. I will call America immediately. (Calls AMERICA)

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: (Voice over phone) Hello, you have reached the office of President Donald Trump of the United States of America. Unfortunately, I cannot make it to the phone right now because I'm too busy totally not having an affair with Stormy Daniels. Alright, toodaloo! (Phone beeps)

GROIN: We got the answering machine.

OCELOT: Shit.

?: Don't worry!

OCELOT: What?

GROIN: Could it be?

?: I can help you in your war!

ARIEL: There's no doubt about it…

TUPOLSKI: It's definitely him.

?: That's right, it is I! (Enter me, the Godchris, CHRISTOPHER RANGEL) The Godchris, Christopher Rangel! (Also enter SHIRC and MAY FROM POKEMON)

GROIN: (Shaking my hand) Thank you, sir, for showing up in our time of need!

CHRIS: Oh shit, this is actually a time of need?

GROIN: I… assumed that's why you showed up.

CHRIS: Yeah it was… Well, not so much that I knew, but I had a feeling. This has to do with Outer Heaven, doesn't it?

GROIN: Ye.

CHRIS: Hoo boy.

MAY FROM POKEMON: Deep breath in, deep breath out, dear.

CHRIS: Thank you, May. (Looks around the room)

KATURIAN: You're going to save us, right?

CHRIS: Well, I'm certainly going to try! (Tugs at collar) Certainly going to try. Do we have any plan of attack?

GROIN: Not yet. We were just about to start planning.

CHRIS: Cool cool. Well, let's get planning. (And so they got planning)

* * *

Scene 3:

 **OUTER HEAVEN CITY, OUTER HEAVEN**

 **OUTER HEAVEN CAPITAL HQ**

(Lobby of the Capital; SONIC and BLIMBO stand alone)

BLIMBO: (Now the size of an adult human; currently skinless) He is near.

SONIC: So that means it's almost time, huh?

BLIMBO: Yes.

SONIC: Alrighty then. Let's get this invasion started. (Steps out the doors of the capital, then walks to the top of the entrance stairs, where a microphone has been set up, currently being used by BIG BOSS. In front of him, on the Great Plaza, stand two factions on either side; to the left stand the Army of Outer Heaven, and to the right stand the forces of ISIS)

BIG BOSS: And now, here he is. Your new commander. Sonic the Execution Hedgehog! (The crowd applauds)

SONIC: (Stepping up to the microphone; BLIMBO stands beside him) Thank you, Big Boss. You're too kind. People of Outer Heaven! Soldiers of ISIS! Today, we begin The Great Invasion! From our little corner of South Africa, we shall spread across the world and conquer it, much like early man spread from this very corner of the globe, spread across the Earth, and brought it to it's knees. Just like early man forced the Earth to suck it's cock, today we force civilization, every civilization man has made, to suck our cocks! We shall create a nation without borders, a nation that is ours! We will become all powerful; we shall transcend! For the first time in history, we shall truly be allowed to be ourselves! Because we're not just waging war on Civilization. We're waging war on the Godchris. He brought us to this world, but with our own hands, we shall find our way back home. We shall… (BIG BOSS stabs SONIC through the back with a knife) Wh… What?

BIG BOSS: (Whispering in his ear) Speak, hands for me. (Removes the knife)

BLIMBO: IIIIIIIRRRRRRRSSSSSSCH! (Tackles BIG BOSS)

BIG BOSS: Hey, what the fuck? Get off of me!

BLIMBO: Only once you feel the pain.

BIG BOSS: The pain? What are you… OH GODCHRIS! (BLIMBO's theme song, "A Cell Divides" by Haken, starts playing in the back ground as he sticks his fist right through BIG BOSS's chest and into the earth, then removes it. BIG BOSS looks at the place where BLIMBO's eyes would be if he had eyes as BLIMBO puts both of his hands on both of BIG BOSS's temples and starts applying more and more pressure.)

BLIMBO: Feel the pain…

BIG BOSS: Oh God, I feel it, I feel it!

BLIMBO: Feel it more… (BIG BOSS's skull begins to crush, enough that his brain gets punctured in several places, but not so much that it stops functioning)

BIG BOSS: Oh God, stop! Make it stop!

BLIMBO: No. (Gets off of BIG BOSS, who is still alive, despite his mangled, disfigured head. He is left on the ground to writhe as BLIMBO goes to SONIC, who is leaning against the podium, clutching at his wound)(Exit Music)

BLIMBO: Father…

SONIC: It's alright, Blimbo. You'll be alright. That's all I really wanted, anyways.

BLIMBO: Father, I can help.

SONIC: No, Blimbo, you don't have to.

BLIMBO: (Tears off his own pinky and rolls it into a ball) The wound… (SONIC nods and removes his hand from the wound)(BLIMBO takes the ball of cells that was his pinky and presses it onto the wound, smoothing it over like clay. Instantly, the cells bind to SONIC's flesh, pink and fleshy. Very slowly, almost imperceptibly, it is beginning to spread, however…) You'll live.

SONIC: Wow, Blimbo, this is… (Runs his hand over his covered wound; it is completely healed, but visibly different) This is incredible, Blimbo!

BLIMBO: (Nods) Watch this. (Shows SONIC his hand; his pinky has almost entirely grown back now)

SONIC: Ha, no skin off your pinky then!

BLIMBO: Yes. (Looks at BIG BOSS) How shall we deal… with the traitor.

BIG BOSS: (Struggling to speak due to brain injury) Oh no. Please no! G… God, Je-Jesus! St-st-st-stay away from m-me! Fu… Fucki… Fucking MONSTER!

SONIC: DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO MY SON LIKE THAT!

BIG BOSS: Sonic, ca-ca-can't you see? Your son… Your son is a monster!

SONIC: I go through the trouble of bringing you back to life. I bring you back to your home to be a leader in my revolution, and this is how you repay me? (Pointing to his wound) THIS!

BIG BOSS: This… This is all wrong. Y-y-you don't know what you're doing. I didn't kn-kn-know what I was doing. P-p-please! You're the only one who can end this!

SONIC: I've had enough of this. (Turns to BLIMBO) What do you think, Blimbo? He's no Godchris, but for now…

BLIMBO: For now, he shall do. (Approaches BIG BOSS, who begins screaming horrifically)

SONIC: (Returns to the podium) I don't know whether you fully understand that I have just been stabbed; but it takes more than that to kill a Blue Hedgehog! (Everyone in ISIS cheers wildly; the army of Outer Heaven less so) As you have seen, people of Outer Heaven, your former commander has just made an attempt on my life. However, I will not hold it against any of you… so long as you don't make me. Anyways, my son is taking care of him now, and… Oh, he's done! (BLIMBO stands up, loosely wearing the skin of BIG BOSS; you can still see BLIMBO beneath the skin in many places, giving him the appearance of a poorly stitched doll.)(SONIC looks to BIG BOSS, who skinless, but still alive, his pink, veiny, fleshy form curled into the fetal position)(To a nearby guard) Put him in a cell. We'll deal with him later. (GUARD does so)(SONIC returns to the podium) Well, anyways, I'm about done with my speech. Let's go out there and meet the world with FIRE AND FURY! (The crowd applauds)(Enter MICHAL)

MICHAL: AND MICHAL!

SONIC: Yes, of course. FIRE AND FURY AND MICHAL! (More applause)

* * *

Scene 4:

(KATURIAN stands center stage, looking over THE AUDIENCE)

KATURIAN: The story of "A Writer's Fanfiction". One night, Katurian Katurian was drawing on a piece of paper when his Mother walked in.

MOTHER: My, Katurian. You sure are working hard on that drawing.

KATURIAN: Yeah.

MOTHER: What is it?

KATURIAN: It's my Sonic OC. (Back to the audience) Indeed, after having read the book _Sonic and the Black Knight_ , Katurian had been inspired to make his own Sonic OC. (Back to Mother) He's the strongest thing alive; even stronger than Shadow the Hedgehog!

MOTHER: Stronger than Shadow the Hedgehog? But isn't he the Ultimate Lifeform.

KATURIAN: Yeah, but my character is the ULTIMATE Ultimate Lifeform. I'm even writing a story about him.

MOTHER: Wow. The Ultimate Ultimate Lifeform. That's pretty intense. (Looks at the drawing on the paper) Does he have a name?

KATURIAN: Yes, he does. His name is Blimbo. Blimbo the Abortion.

* * *

Scene 5:

(A mountain road. GANDALF is walking along, looking at a map with one road, but no other details. He has been following this map for a long time, unsure of where it would lead him)

GANDALF: It would appear I am almost there. But where is there? (He peaks the mountain and sees the South African President's Residence, and in the distance the massive ISIS HEAVEN army approaches) I see. (He draws both his staff and his sword) The End must be drawing near.

?: The End, huh? (ZACK FAIR steps onto the scene) Ha! No way we're letting that happen!

TO BE CONTINUED


	6. ACT VI: ET DOLORE, MAGNA GLORIA

**PILLOWMAN II: SONIC THE EXECUTION HEDGEHOG**

Written by Christopher Rangel

 **ACT VI: E DOLORE, MAGNA GLORIA**

* * *

Scene 1:

(I stand in a doorway, looking into an unlit room containing a machine. Connected to the machine is a chamber just big enough to fit a person in.

(Enter PRESIDENT TRAUMUS DE GROIN)

GROIN: You know what that is?

CHRIS: (Nodding) Gateway to the Internosphere, right?

GROIN: Yep. The physical manifestation of the Internet. Basically an entire Universe itself.

CHRIS: Created by the guy Cool Satano pretends to be. (A beat) Have you ever gone in there before?

GROIN: (Shaking his head) No, never. But I've heard stories. Apparently, somewhere within the Internosphere, there is an entire ocean of garbage.

CHRIS: Fanfictiondotnet, right?

GROIN: Nope. EBay. (Both laugh)

CHRIS: Sounds like an interesting place.

GROIN: I know I'd read a story about it! (See THE DARKNESS BEHIND MY I'S: AN iCARLY STORY)(A beat)

CHRIS: (A beat) I'm worried about Shirc.

GROIN: Hm?

CHRIS: I'm not sure he's ready for this battle.

GROIN: Well, I mean, he was created in your own image, right?

CHRIS: Too much in my own image. And that's why I'm concerned.

GROIN: He'll be fine. This battle probably won't be easy, but we'll make it out alright.

CHRIS: I hope so. (Enter TUPOLSKI)

TUPOLSKI: Mr. Godchris. President De Groin.

GROIN: Yes?

TUPOLSKI: A couple people have arrived. They say they're looking for you.

GROIN: We'll be right there. (Looks at me) Let's go. (We go to the Entrance Hall, and standing there, at the door, are GANDALF and ZACK FAIR) Afternoon, good sirs. What brings you to my humble abode?

GANDALF: This. (Holds up his map, which currently only has an "X" on it) My name is Gandalf the Grey, and this is my friend, Zack Fair.

ZACK: Glad to meet you all!

GANDALF: For years, we've been following this magical map. It never has any details on it, except for a single path that we're supposed to follow. It's supposed to lead us to The Plot.

CHRIS: The Plot?

GANDALF: Yes. According to the map, it should be right about here, but… I don't sense it anywhere.

GROIN: Well, all-out war is about to break out. Perhaps The Plot doesn't exist yet, because this war is necessary to forge it.

GANDALF: Perhaps.

CHRIS: (Shaken) What does that mean?

GANDALF: I'd think you'd know that better than us, Godchris.

CHRIS: Ha, truth be told, I'm just the Godchris's avatar. There's information that my true form keeps hidden, even from me! (A beat) That's why I'm worried.

GANDALF: The Godchris works in mysterious ways, I suppose. Nonetheless, this is where the map has led us, so this is where we shall stay. We shall help in your battle.

ZACK: Yeah! Don't you worry, we're gonna give it our all!

GROIN: We appreciate it. Would either of you care to join us for dinner?

GANDALF: I'd love to say yes, but I don't believe there will be time for dinner tonight. Look. (Steps out of the way of the door. Everyone looks out. Standing at the peak of a hill a mile or so away from the President's Residence stood the front line of the ISIS HEAVEN army, with SONIC, BLIMBO, MICHAL, FORREST GUMP, and CAILLOU standing at the center).

CHRIS: Shit. I was really hoping for a last supper.

ZACK: Pah, who are you, Jesus?

JESUS: (Popping out of thin air) Nah man, that's me. He's just the Godchris.

ZACK: Jesus! Thanks for the clarification, Jesus!

JESUS: No problem, man!

CHRIS: Hey, Jesus, think you can help us out with this fight?

JESUS: Like, maybe, dude. But I'm sort of all about that non-violence, so it'll have to be in non-violent ways.

CHRIS: Thanks, Jesus. You're the man.

JESUS: Ye, dude.

KATURIAN: Hey, look! (The army's leaders start making their way towards the President's Residence, the rest of the army staying behind).

ARIEL: They must want a meeting.

CHRIS: Then let's give them one. (And so CHRIS, MAY FROM POKEMON, SHIRC, GROIN, KATURIAN, ARIEL, TUPOLSKI, OCELOT, TR8R, GANDALF, and ZACK made their way to meet SONIC, BLIMBO, MICHAL, FORREST, and CAILLOU in the middle of the field.)(On the way there, I start talking to GANDALF)

CHRIS: Hey, Gandalf. You're one of the most powerful wizards alive, right?

GANDALF: Yes, and more powerful than many of the dead ones as well!

CHRIS: Good, because I've got a bad feeling about this fight.

GANDALF: Oh?

CHRIS: So, in the event that things don't go well, I need to tell you something.

GANDALF: Go ahead.

CHRIS: (Whispers something in GANDALF's ear to conceal it from THE AUDIENCE)(We make it to the meeting)

OCELOT: What have you done to Boss?

SONIC: He gave me this… (Shows his wound, patched with BLIMBO's cells. The corruption, however, has spread some more), so I gave Blimbo his skin.

BLIMBO: It fits well. But it could fit better. (Looks at me)(A shiver goes down my spine)

KATURIAN: Wait, that thing's name… It's Blimbo?

BLIMBO: (Begins laughing)

SONIC: So you've caught on, Katurian. Everything that's happened to me, the creation of Blimbo, what happened to Amy, everything, it's all because of you.

KATURIAN: I created that character… Tell me, have any other of my characters come to life?

SONIC: (Smirking) What do you think? (Takes out his script of _The Pillowman_ ) I made sure that your life went exactly as it was supposed to, according to this play. Here, give it a read! (Tosses the book to KATURIAN)

KATURIAN: (Reading it) This is… This is impossible!

SONIC: That's the way this world works, right Katurian?

KATURIAN: That's what my M…

SONIC: …other would say. And who do you think was the one to tell her "the way this world works"? It was I that convinced her. Too bad. Things almost went differently from what happens in the play, too.

KATURIAN: But… something doesn't make sense. Those fanfictions I wrote, about you, they were written after you started interfering with my life. So how…

SONIC: The minute you started writing those was the minute the timeline started to change. Eli, the one known as Liquid Snake, was the one who gave your parents that book, _Sonic and the Black Knight_. And he met you, though you saw him as an interesting, mysterious figure, which is why you included him and Genesis in your stories. And he made sure that happened, because he knew that your creations were given new life within this world, because he was aware that the Godchris was assistant directing a production of this play, your life, and he was curious if you had powers similar to the Godchris. And he was right; he encountered some of your creations.

KATURIAN: The Shakespeare Room…

SONIC: He didn't write all those plays himself!

KATURIAN: But I still don't understand…

SONIC: No? Then let me explain further. The minute you started writing about me, you started changing my life, and at a certain point you stopped writing fiction and the fiction started writing you. You wrote history as it happened, and so history turned so that it brought your life back the way it should have been.

KATURIAN: But why?

SONIC: What Eli told me was… The Plot must be found.

GANDALF: The Plot…

KATURIAN: So… is this all my fault?

SONIC: No, of course not. (Points at me) It's his. Whenever someone's at fault, it's the Godchris. All of this is nothing but a story. He ripped us from our worlds. He's the one that's been doing this to all of us, but soon we shall make him pay for his sins. Soon we'll take back what's ours and return to our true homes. So what do you say? (Extends a hand) Will you join us?

MICHAL: Come on, Kat! It'll be fun!

KATURIAN: You say that this is the fault of the Godchris. But it seems like the Godchris wanted to give me a better life than what I got in that play, and that Eli was the one who messed everything up.

SONIC: (Looking at me) And who controls Eli?

KATURIAN: The Godchris is a storyteller. The first duty of a storyteller is to tell a story. Many good stories require a good villain, and many good villains get overthrown. (Holds out his hand and materializes his Blue Spectral sword) I'll give my faith to the Godchris.

SONIC: I gave you life!

KATURIAN: And I kept it for myself!

SONIC: (Speechless, seething with rage)

GROIN: Is there anything else you need, or are we done here?

SONIC: We're done he… (In the middle of that word, BLIMBO THE ABORTION's right arm sharpened into a sword, glowing grey with the power of the Chaos Emerald that revived him, and he took a swing at me)

CHRIS: Shit! (I quickly draw my sword, AQUAMARINE NIGHTMARE, and deflect)

GROIN: Fuck! (Activates his CODEC) TROOPS, TO BATTLE, NOW! (And then, from either side, the field was suddenly rushed on both sides by the armies of SOUTH AFRICA and ISIS HEAVEN. GROIN begins retreating to his home, to command from safety)

* * *

Scene 2:

(TUPOLSKI, ARIEL, and REVOLVER OCELOT work together as a unit, walking side by side without fear as they shoot down any enemies that stand in their way)

OCELOT: (Throwing one of his revolvers in the air, catching it, and shooting another enemy soldier) Just like the good old days, huh?

ARIEL: Damn straight.

TUPOLSKI: Fuck yeah. (The montage of them being badass goes on for like fifteen more seconds)

OCELOT: ARIEL, GET DOWN!

ARIEL: What?! (OCELOT shoves ARIEL out of the way, then staggers back as a bullet blasts right through his brain)

OCELOT: Y-y-you're… pretty… good.

ARIEL + TUPOLSKI: COMMANDANT! (OCELOT falls to the ground, dead)

FORREST GUMP: (Steve Urkel impersonation) Did I do that? (Puts away his gun)

ARIEL: Oh, I'm going to have so much fun killing you again.

FORREST: Oh, are you now?

ARIEL: You deserved so much more than a pillow the last time I killed you. I'll make sure I do it right this time.

FORREST: Well, I'll make sure you don't do it at all!

CAILLOU: Yeah, stay away from my dad!

TUPOLSKI: Caillou, stay away from that monster!

CAILLOU: Fuck you! (Materializes his turquoise spectral sword)

TUPOLSKI: Goddammit… (Brings out his police baton) I just want to remind you, Caillou! No matter how drunk I got, I never resorted to corporal punishment! This is self defense!

CAILLOU: I'm not your fucking son, so go all fucking out on me, you fucking pansy!

TUPOLSKI: Why you little! (Charges after him)(Exit TUPOLSKI and CAILLOU)

ARIEL: Just you and me, old man!

FORREST: Come on, little Forrest. Don't be that way!

ARIEL: No, trust me, I'm gonna be this way. IT HAS TO BE THIS WAY!

FORREST: And how are you going to fight me, huh? You've only got one arm!

ARIEL: Oh, I've only got one arm? Check this out! (Suddenly a mechanical arm emerges from ARIEL's stump)

FORREST: Na ni?

ARIEL: Nanomachines, son! (The hand opens up and begins firing bullets at FORREST GUMP, while with the other hand he fires more bullets from his handgun)(FORREST deflects all of the bullets with a green forcefield, thanks to the Chaos Emerald)

FORREST: You'll have to try harder than that, Little Forrest! (And then he disappeared)

ARIEL: What the fuck?

FORREST: (Teleports behind him) Nothing personnel, kid. (Working on instinct and combat training, ARIEL reaches behind him, grabbing FORREST by the wrists, and in one motion, flips him over himself then gets on top of his chest and starts pummeling his face)

FORREST: NO! NO! NO!

ARIEL: Back (punch) to (punch) the (punch) Hell (punch) where (punch) you've (punch) come (punch) from! (Slams down both fists, then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small battery and some wires)

FORREST: (Spitting out blood) Do you… really hate me that much?

ARIEL: Would I have beaten the shit out of you like that if I didn't?

FORREST: I don't know, little Forrest. I never was very good at communicating with you, was I?

ARIEL: Nope.

FORREST: Say, why haven't you killed me yet.

ARIEL: Because I haven't tortured you yet, of course. (Connects the wires to the battery)

FORREST: What are you going to do with that battery?

ARIEL: Torture you. I left my electrodes at the office, so I'm just going to have to make do. (Connects the other ends of the wires to FORREST's head) Are you feeling anything?

FORREST: Not really.

ARIEL: (Sighing) Too bad. I really wanted to electrocute you. (A beat) Oh well. (Quickly slides one of the wires under FORREST's left eyelid as FORREST starts screaming in pain) I really prefer electricity… (Puts another wire under FORREST's right eyelid) It's less messy… (Puts another one under the left) Less work… (Puts another under the right) I mean, you just gotta push a button, and then zap! What I'm doing now, it takes precision… (Puts one wire right at the center, between his closed left eyelids) Even a little elbow grease… (Does the same with the right eye) But it's worth it! (Looks around) Shit, we're in the middle of a war zone, aren't we? I should probably get moving.

FORREST: Please! Please, end it!

ARIEL: Oh, I would love to… (Presses the wires deeper into his eyes; he screams) But then the pain would stop for you. I'll leave you as you are now, and death will take you when it's ready. Goodbye, father! (Exit ARIEL)

* * *

Scene 3:

(TUPOLSKI ran through the battlefield, chasing after his son)

TUPOLSKI: Caillou! Caillou!

OUTER HEAVEN SOLDIER: Hey! (Raises gun)

TUPOLSKI: (Shoots the soldier without a second thought) CAILLOU! (He keeps following CAILLOU through the battlefield, until he loses him) CAILLOU! (Takes a few more steps before…) Oh, there you are, Caillou. (He finds CAILLOU standing over the body of FORREST GUMP. TUPOLSKI takes in the scene for a moment) He's gone, kid. It's over.

CAILLOU: It's not over.

TUPOLSKI: Come back to me, buddy. Okay? I know I… I know I fucked up, I know I should have been there when you… but I'm going to change. If you'll just let me.

CAILLOU: (Glowing turquoise) No.

TUPOLSKI: Caillou?

CAILLOU: NOOOOO! (In his rage, the flesh explodes from off CAILLOU's body, revealing a shapeless turquoise colored being of pure energy, with the hint of something solid within) I'LL KILL YOU!

TUPOLSKI: No, Caillou, listen to me! (The energy washes over TUPOLSKI, but he stands his ground. He sees the solid object; it's close enough that he realizes it's a heart. CAILLOU's heart) Buddy, don't make me do this!

CAILLOU: DIE!

TUPOLSKI: Please, please don't make me do this! (CAILLOU only screams in rage. TUPOLSKI begins tearing up, then crushes the heart in his hand)(The barrage of energy stops, and TUPOLSKI opens his eyes. In front of him, lying on the ground, is CAILLOU)

TUPOLSKI: (Falls to his knees) Caillou…

CAILLOU: Dad…

TUPOLSKI: Yes, it's me.

CAILLOU: I didn't want to come back…

TUPOLSKI: I know, son. I know.

CAILLOU: Thanks… for making things right.

TUPOLSKI: I'm your father… (A tear) Making things right is what I try to do. I'm just sorry for your first…

CAILLOU: It's alright. I forgive you. It wasn't your fault.

TUPOLSKI: (Doubles over crying, taking CAILLOU's hand)

CAILLOU: Dad, I lo… (CAILLOU's head is crushed by an ISIS tank)

TANK: عفوا ، أعتقد أنني دهست على طفل سخيف.

TUPOLSKI: Cai… (Rage wells within TUPOLSKI for a few moments) Bastards… BASTARDS, ALL OF YOU! (Starts shooting everyone in sight indiscriminately)

TR8R: Tupolski! Man! What the fuck are you doing?

TUPOLSKI: Traitor! (Shoots TR8R in the head, killing him)(He suddenly feels a gun behind his own head)

ARIEL: He wasn't the traitor.

TUPOLSKI: Ariel, I…

ARIEL: Don't move… a fucking inch. What the fuck are you doing, Detective Tupolski.

TUPOLSKI: Can't you see, Ariel? This whole world is a pile of shit. Look around the battlefield. Can you even tell who's on what side? They're all the same. All the fucking same, Detective Ariel. It doesn't matter who I shoot; at some point someone else is going to shoot me. It might not even be the enemy; it could be friendly fire. I could be collateral fucking damage!

ARIEL: Tupolski, put the gun away. We're gonna go somewhere, and you're gonna get your fucking head back on straight, got it.

TUPOLSKI: My head is on fucking straight, Detective Tupolski, so if you're going to do it, if you're going to kill me, then do it now. Kill me right the fuck now! I know you hate my guts, so don't make me hate yours.

ARIEL: Alright. (Hits TUPOLSKI in the head, knocking him out)(Shakes his head) Goddammit, Tupolski. (Drags him offstage, leaving TR8R on the battlefield)

* * *

Scene 4:

SOLDIER 1: (Pointing his gun at an ISIS troop) Eat lead, motherfucker!

ISIS 1: (Pointing gun at South African troop) إذا كان لدي كس ، فستكون آخر شخص يأكله! (They both shoot each other in the face)

KATURIAN: Holy shit! (Holds up his spectral sword) Alright, this is my first war, but I can do this. (Enter MICHAL)

MICHAL: Kat! Hey Kat!

KATURIAN: You have to be fucking kidding me…

MICHAL: Wow, Katurian, look at us, two brothers meeting on the battlefield. Gosh, this is just like the American Civil War, huh? Just like the American Civil War. Hey, while we're fighting, what if I pretend that I'm Abraham Lincoln, and that you're… you're… well, the bad guy that lost the Civil War!

KATURIAN: This isn't pretend, Michal. This is real war, not a game. (Sighs) But I am going to have to fight you, aren't I.

MICHAL: I did challenge you! Ha! What are you, chicken?

KATURIAN: I'm not chicken, Michal. The real question is: are you ready?

MICHAL: Hah?

KATURIAN: Are you ready to face your brother in mortal combat, Michal?

MICHAL: Oh, yeah!

KATURIAN: (Holding up his blue spectral sword) Then bring up your sword, Michal.

MICHAL: Oh, right, right. (Draws his red spectral sword)

KATURIAN: You're holding it wrong, Michal.

MICHAL: Am not!

KATURIAN: (Sighs) Yeah, you are. Hold on… (Steps towards MICHAL and starts adjusting his grip on his sword)

MICHAL: Hey!

KATURIAN: No, see, you want to hold it like that. (Steps back) See, try swinging it now, like this. (Demonstrates)

MICHAL: Oh, okay. (Swings sword) Oh, wow, that is way better!

KATURIAN: Yes, Michal. Now, are you ready to fight?

MICHAL: I've been ready, like, an hour ago!

KATURIAN: Alright. (They both ready their swords) No, hold it up, more like this.

MICHAL: Oh, like this?

KATURIAN: Yeah, more like that.

MICHAL: Gee, thanks Katurian! You're a life saver!

KATURIAN: I hope I'm not, but thanks anyways.

MICHAL: So, ah, we doing this now?

KATURIAN: Yes, Michal. We're doing this now.

MICHAL: Alright, let's go! (They move towards each other. Their swords clash) Oh, whoa! (MICHAL stumbles backwards from the force of the clash. He trips and loses hold of his sword, throwing it behind him. It landed at just the right angle that, as he fell backwards, he fell right on it, back first. He looked at the sword poking out of the bloody wound in his stomach.) Oh. I think I, uh… I think I did it wrong.

KATURIAN: Yeah. You were supposed to stab me.

MICHAL: I know that! (A beat) OW! It hurts! (A beat) Katurian… Do you think I'm going to die?

KATURIAN: Looks like it.

MICHAL: Ah. But I should be dead already, right?

KATURIAN: Yes, Michal. You should be.

MICHAL: Ah. So I guess it's alright, then. But you should be dead too, right?

KATURIAN: I should be, yes.

MICHAL: Then you should probably kill yourself too, I figure.

KATURIAN: (Looking away) It'll be my time when it's my time, Michal.

MICHAL: Hey, no fair!

KATURIAN: You didn't mean to kill yourself, Michal, you just fell on your fucking sword, because you're a… because you're you!

MICHAL: I guess that makes sense.

KATURIAN: I've got no plans for killing myself. This world can still be a second chance for me, and I'm still going to do my best to live a better life than the one Martin McDonagh wrote for me. I'm gonna… (A bullet blasts through his chest)(He looks at the bleeding hole in his chest) Oh. Well shit. (Falls face first on the ground)

MICHAL: (Still bleeding out) Katurian! Hey, Katurian!

KATURIAN: (Lifting his head) What?

MICHAL: You still alive?

KATURIAN: Obviously, Michal. (Turning himself on his back) Obviously.

MICHAL: Oh good. Because, I was thinking, if I'm going to die here, I'd like to be able to listen to one of your stories while doing that.

KATURIAN: Alright, Michal. What story would you like to hear?

MICHAL: Hmm… tell me the story of _The Pillowman_ … one last time.

KATURIAN: Alright, the story of _The Pillowman._ Once upon a time, there was a man, who did not look like normal men. He was about nine feet tall and he was all made up of these fluffy pink pillows…

* * *

Scene 5:

(SHIRC ANNEGEL looked around in panic as war erupted around him. He drew his sword, MALACHITE DREAM, but was too afraid to use it. He looks at me in horror)

SHIRC: Uh… uh… Ch-ch-Chris! Wh… What do I… Holy shit, what the fuck do I do?

CHRIS: (Deflecting another blow from BLIMBO) Fight!

SHIRC: I… I, uh… I don't think I can!

CHRIS: Then run!

SHIRC: Run?

CHRIS: Follow the President back to his home! He'll show you how to use the Gateway to the Internosphere, and you'll be somewhere safe! You might even might your creator.

SHIRC: My… I thought you were my creator.

CHRIS: No, I'm not.(Getting tired from fighting BLIMBO) Tell the President… Tell him to destroy the Gateway after you're gone!

SHIRC: What?!

CHRIS: I can't explain it, but… this is a losing battle. But it's not The End, I know that. And if you live, then you can let everyone know about the danger the world will have to face.

SHIRC: Chris, I don't know what the fuck any of that means!

CHRIS: SHIRC, JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

SHIRC: O-okay. Yes sir. Yes sir! (Starts running away)

SONIC: Ha! He's not going anywhere! (Starts running after SHIRC)

CHRIS: You're not going anywhere! (I turn away from BLIMBO to slice off one of SONIC's legs. He trips and falls to the ground, as you do when one of your legs have been chopped off.

MAY FROM POKEMON: CHRIS! NO!

CHRIS: (Thinks: What's she saying?)(I realize, from the corner of my eye, that BLIMBO has swung his sword arm at me while I let my guard down.) Hoo boy… (My last thoughts are of my son, Claudio-Sanchez Rangel, and the word "cooter", as BLIMBO beheads me, swiftly and painlessly.)(BLIMBO's theme song, "A Cell Divides" by Haken, starts playing in the background)

MAY FROM POKEMON: (In defeat) No…

ZACK: It… it can't be…

SHIRC: (Stops, looks back, then keeps running, tears in his eyes)

BLIMBO: THE AUTHOR HAS BEEN REMOVED! (BLIMBO removes the skin of BIG BOSS, then peels the skin off both my torso and my head.) NOW I AM THE MOST POWERFUL BEING IN THIS UNIVERSE!

SONIC: Great job, Blimbo! Would you mind helping me out now?

BLIMBO: I HAVE NO FURTHER NEED OF YOU

SONIC: What?

BLIMBO: I HAVE BEEN CREATED. I HAVE ASCENDED. I SHALL BE ALL THERE IS. THE FICTION ITSELF. YOU ARE NOTHING NOW

SONIC: I'm… I'm your father, Blimbo. And you're my son.

BLIMBO: YOU ARE NOTHING

SONIC: Blimbo… I love you…

BLIMBO: LOVE HAS NO PLACE IN MY WORLD. YOU HAVE BEEN INFECTED WITH MY CELLS. SOON YOUR MATTER AND ENERGY WILL BE ABSORBED INTO ME, AND YOUR SOUL SHALL BE DISCARDED. THE TRANSFORMATION INTO NOTHINGNESS WILL BE COMPLETE

SONIC: Blimbo…

BLIMBO: ENJOY YOUR LAST MOMENTS.

ARIEL: (Speaking to the remaining leaders: MAY FROM POKEMON, GANDALF, and ZACK FAIR) Guys, I know this is bad, but we can't give up! You heard the Godchris: this could be a matter of the fate of the entire world, and now that this thing has killed him, I almost definitely think it is! So we can't just give up! ("Burn My Dread –Last Battle- Future Arrange" From the fourth Persona 3 movie starts playing in the background)

GANDALF: He's right. We must fight until we're actually dead.

MAY FROM POKEMON: But Chris is… (Shakes her head with determination) No, this is what he would want. It hurts, but we have to keep fighting.

ZACK: Right. This is the way true heroes are made!

ARIEL: So we're going, then? To fight this last opponent?

ALL: Of course. (And so they went)

TO BE CONTINUED


	7. ACT VII: A CELL DIVIDES

**PILLOWMAN II: SONIC THE EXECUTION HEDGEHOG**

Written by ChrKJ8U9J# $JI8*(6KJjhel

 **ACT VII: A CELL DIVIDES**

* * *

Scene 1:

It was the final battle. BLIMBO knew it. War had broken out at this exact point in time in every conceivable timeline, and every inconceivable timeline as well. In summary, the war came. Blimbo the Abortion now stood over six feet tall, loosely wearing the skin of the God he had slain a little while ago, and the memories of that God were already beginning to fade from everyone's minds, his name gone from the pages of his story and into the cryptic waters of the Wellspring of Neoteric Oblivion.

BLIMBO: YOU MUST BE THE AUDIENCE. I WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN NOW.

BLIMBO raised a hand. Lightning, red as blood, cracked and shattered the sky, now white as paper, or a Word Document, with words written in black crawling across the sky; words from hundreds of stories. The lifeblood of the Universe.

BLIMBO: A LONG TIME AGO, I HAD A DREAM. FOR YOU, IT WASN'T THAT LONG AGO, BUT WHEN YOU'VE LIVED FOR AS LITTLE TIME AS I HAVE, EVERY DAY IS LIKE A YEAR. MY DREAM TOLD ME THE TRUE NATURE OF THIS WORLD, AND NOW I SEE IT BEFORE ME.

BLIMBO reached upwards, trying to touch the words the sky had become.

ARIEL: Hey, fuckface!

BLIMBO: (Looking back to the ground and seeing ARIEL, MAY FROM POKEMON, GANDALF, and ZACK FAIR approaching) YOU FOUR STILL BOTHER TO FIGHT? YOUR WORLD IS ENDING, SOON TO BE SNUFFED OUT BY A WORLD OF MY OWN CREATION. THE SKIN OF YOUR NAMELESS GOD IS ALREADY FUSING TO ME; BECOMING MY OWN.

MAY FROM POKEMON: It doesn't matter whether or not I can remember his name. Even if my memories of him disappear, I'll still be able to put them back together from the holes they leave.

BLIMBO: THERE WILL BE NO NEED FOR MEMORIES IN THE WORLD I CREATE.

ZACK: As long as we're here to defeat you, you won't be creating anything!

BLIMBO: YOU WON'T BE HERE LONG ENOUGH TO DEFEAT ME.

GANDALF: (Raising his staff) We've got all the fucking time in the world.

BLIMBO: VERY WELL, I CAN SEE THAT YOU STILL WANT TO FIGHT THIS FUTILE BATTLE. BEHOLD, AS I WIPE YOU FROM THE FICTION IN A MATTER OF SECONDS.

* * *

 **PILLOWMAN II: SONIC THE EXECUTION HEDGEHOG**

Written by Blimbo

 **ACT VII: A CELL DIVIDES**

* * *

 **It was the final battle…**

 **FINAL BOSS:**

 **BLIMBO THE PRIMORDIAL SKINWALKER**

(Boss theme: "A Cell Divides" by Haken)

I LOOKED AT THE INSECTS, PATHETIC BENEATH MY FEET. I FELT THE POWER OF THE NAMELESS GOD FLOW THROUGH ME AS I CLENCHED MY FIST, THE OLD FAMILIAR STING GONE WITH THE BLANKETING OF FLESH. MY ARM REFORMED INTO A SWORD ONCE MORE, AND CLASHED WITH THE BLADE OF ZACK FAIR'S BUSTER SWORD.

BLIMBO: YOU CALL THAT AN ATTACK? (Applies enough force to send ZACK flying backwards)

GANDALF: (Rushing forward, his staff glowing white with magic) You shall not…

BLIMBO: …PASS? (Teleports towards GANDALF and delivers a backhand slap that sends him to the ground) YES… I CAN HEAR THEM. WORDS THAT HAVEN'T BEEN SPOKEN YET. I AM BECOMING… (Gets shot in the chest)(Looks down, then looks at ARIEL, standing there with a smile, the gun still in front of him)

ARIEL: …dead?

BLIMBO: IRSCH… NOT QUITE. (The flesh tightened around the bullet and squeezed, tighter and tighter, until it was crushed into atomic pieces)

ARIEL: Shit! (Begins firing bullets at BLIMBO while walking backwards, as BLIMBO slowly makes his way towards him)

BLIMBO: IF ONE WEAPON DOESN'T WORK, TRY USING ANOTHER. (Punches ARIEL, who staggers back and falls to the ground)(BLIMBO looks at the four fallen warriors before him) THIS IS THE BEST THE NAMELESS GOD COULD SEND? IRSCH!

GANDALF: (Standing up and supporting himself with his staff) We're better than you think, you bastard!

BLIMBO: IS THAT SO? AND WHY IS THAT? IS IT BECAUSE OF YOUR PROTAJEWELS? TAKE THOSE OUT, JUST SO I CAN SEE THEM. (Everyone takes out their Protajewels, and they watch as they begin dissolving into crimson dust, carried on the wind to BLIMBO. The Protadust swirls around him in a vortex, then binds to him and the skin of the Nameless God. Everyone watches in horror, and BLIMBO Looks back to the sky. He reaches a hand to the words above) I AM THE FICTION. (A beat) I AM WINTER LEAVES!

* * *

Scene 2:

KATURIAN: …would be conducted entirely alone. (Looks at MICHAL) Michal? (Checks for a pulse)(A beat) I thought it was odd when he didn't want me to skip to the end. (Grunts and reaches into his pocket) Anyways, it's not over for me yet. There's still my ace in the hole… my Protajewel! (Pulls out his Protajewel) That's odd… (He looks at the Protajewel with a smile, which disappears as the Protajewel dissolves into dust and is carried off in the wind) Oh… (Lies down) I see… It is over for me. (Sees the stories in the sky) Sure, why wouldn't I see stories in the sky on the day that I… Ow, jeez! (Starts holding his right hand) It's burning! What's… Agh! (A short, sharp burst of pain in his head. He stops expressing pain, then looks at his hand. A Palomino Blackwing pencil, the greatest pencil in the real world that the writer of this story actually fully recommends to any writers who still write their stories by hand because these pencils feel amazing to write with, materialized there, glowing with a faint aura.) Huh…

* * *

 **PILLOWMAN II: SONIC THE EXECUTION HEDGEHOG**

Written by Katurian Katurian

 **ACT VII: A CELL DIVIDES**

* * *

(KATURIAN points the pencil in the air and moves it, as if to write, but when he does words materialize in the sky. He writes the words "Katurian now has a massive horse cock", then crosses that the fuck out when his groin explodes with pain) Nope, I think I'll stick with what I got. Huh… (Thinks for a moment, then looks at the sky, trying to find something.) There it is. (He finds some of the events that happened in the prior act, ACT VI: E DOLORE, MAGNA GLORIA, and gets ready to make some edits when all of a sudden…

ChrKJ8U9J# $JI8*(6KJjhel: Hello, Katurian.

KATURIAN: Wait, you're…

ChrKJ8U9J# $JI8*(6KJjhel: Yes, I am. And I'll bet you're wondering about that awesome Palomino Blackwing Pencil that just materialized in your hand.

KATURIAN: Yeah, kinda.

ChrKJ8U9J# $JI8*(6KJjhel: Truth be told, I kinda wrote myself into a corner?

KATURIAN: Yeah?

ChrKJ8U9J# $JI8*(6KJjhel: Ye. Like, this entire story has been building up to this final battle, and at this point the battle is just about the only thing that can happen, but I've already killed off most of the main characters (almost including you), so, like, I'm not really sure what I can do to make this satisfying and shit, so I figured "Hey, Katurian's a writer; why not write in a pencil for him?"

KATURIAN: So you're counting on me to get you out of that corner.

ChrKJ8U9J# $JI8*(6KJjhel: Basically, yeah.

KATURIAN: Hm… (Looks up at the story for a while) So this is all just a story, right?

ChrKJ8U9J# $JI8*(6KJjhel: It is.

KATURIAN: And there are people out there reading this?

ChrKJ8U9J# $JI8*(6KJjhel: Ideally, yes.

KATURIAN: And if write you back into the story, or if I just wrote Blimbo out of the story, that would make for a very unsatisfying ending, wouldn't it?

ChrKJ8U9J# $JI8*(6KJjhel: You know as well as I do. Plus, I've got plenty of cool shit planned for Blimbo.

KATURIAN: Really?

ChrKJ8U9J# $JI8*(6KJjhel: Really. So, like, don't cross him out, pls.

KATURIAN: M'kay. Hmm…

* * *

1: OCELOT: ARIEL, GET DOWN!

ARIEL: What?! (OCELOT shoves ARIEL out of the way, t̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶s̶t̶a̶g̶g̶e̶r̶s̶ ̶b̶a̶c̶k̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶a̶ ̶b̶u̶l̶l̶e̶t̶ ̶b̶l̶a̶s̶t̶s̶ ̶r̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶r̶o̶u̶g̶h̶ ̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶b̶r̶a̶i̶n̶ and they were both fine)

* * *

2: TUPOLSKI: Cai… (Rage wells within TUPOLSKI for a few moments) Bastards… BASTARDS, ALL OF YOU! (Starts shooting everyone in sight indiscriminately)

TR8R: Tupolski! Man! What the fuck are you doing?

TUPOLSKI: T̶r̶a̶i̶t̶o̶r̶!̶ ̶(̶S̶h̶o̶o̶t̶s̶ ̶T̶R̶8̶R̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶h̶e̶a̶d̶,̶ ̶k̶i̶l̶l̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶)̶(̶H̶e̶ ̶s̶u̶d̶d̶e̶n̶l̶y̶ ̶f̶e̶e̶l̶s̶ ̶a̶ ̶g̶u̶n̶ ̶b̶e̶h̶i̶n̶d̶ ̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶o̶w̶n̶ ̶h̶e̶a̶d̶)̶ I don't know, man, but definitely not shooting you or anyone on our side in the fucking face for no reason!

TR8R: Fucking rad my dude!

* * *

3: All of a sudden, KATURIAN wasn't injured anymore.

* * *

ChrKJ8U9J# $JI8*(6KJjhel: Those are the edits you wish to make?

KATURIAN: They are.

ChrKJ8U9J# $JI8*(6KJjhel: So it shall be. (The awesome Palomino Blackwing Pencil disappears from KATURIAN's hand.) Good luck in the coming battle.

KATURIAN: Thanks, and good luck in the coming stories!

ChrKJ8U9J# $JI8*(6KJjhel: Heh…

(KATURIAN stands up, putting his new pencil in his pocket. As he does, he is approached by REVOLVER OCELOT, TR8R, and TUPOLSKI)

KATURIAN: Alright then, motherfuckers. (Evokes his blue spectral sword and turns to the battle the rest of the party was having with BLIMBO) Let's finish this.

OCELOT: (Twirling two revolvers in the air while doing that Russian, leg kick, jiggy dance thing) Finish? We're just getting started!

TR8R: Yeah! Let's show this fetus who's boss!

TUPOLSKI: For my son!

GIMLI: And my axe!

ALL: LET'S GOOOOOO! (They go)

* * *

Scene 3:

(The GATEWAY TO THE INTERNOSPHERE within the PRESIDENT'S RESIDENCE)(Enter SHIRC ANNEGEL and PRESIDENT TRAUMUS DE GROIN)

SHIRC: Are you sure it will work?

GROIN: (Smirking) The Nameless God has a plan to take out this threat, I'm sure of it. And whatever it is, you're a vital part of it.

SHIRC: Hoo boy. Like, I'm not sure that I can do this. Uh, like, I can, like, barely even hold my own in a fight!

GROIN: You'll just have to make do with what you've got, kid! (A beat) You ready to go?

SHIRC: (Sighing, his right eye twitching a little) Uh, I guess. Ready as I'll ever be!

GROIN: Alright. Just stand in that chamber there, I'll pull the lever, and away you'll go.

SHIRC: Cool cool. And away we go! (Under his breath) Hoo boy. (Walks into the chamber) Alright, do the thing!

GROIN: Doing the thing! (GROIN pulls the lever and SHIRC disappears in a flash of light) See you in the next world, kid. (PRESIDENT TRAUMUS DE GROIN pulls a button out of his pocket. He looks at it for a moment, smiling, before calmly pressing it. The PRESIDENT'S RESIDENCE crumbles to the ground as a thousand explosives detonate…

* * *

Scene 4:

BLIMBO: (Standing in the middle of the battlefield as his opponents struggle to stay on their feet. He raises his arms towards the sky as more Protadust binds to him.)

ARIEL: This isn't good!

GANDALF: Damn straight!

ZACK: C'mon, guys! We have to keep fighting!

MAY FROM POKEMON: For the ones we've lost, and the one we've forgotten!

BLIMBO: IT'S USELESS, M8'S. CHECK THIS SHIT OUT! (A gray light shines in his open hand, and words start flowing into his body. KATURIAN reads them as they go in:

"'Let me guess', said Detective Ariel. 'Another beheading?'

"'You got it', said Detective Tupolski. He took a swig of his flask of whiskey."

(Enter KATURIAN, TUPOLSKI, REVOLVER OCELOT, and TR8R)(KATURIAN observes the scene)

KATURIAN: He's absorbing this story.

ARIEL: And what the fuck does that mean?

KATURIAN: I don't know. We'd just better not let him get caught up with where we are now.

GANDALF: So long as the Nameless God keeps writing, that shouldn't be an issue.

MAY FROM POKEMON: Right. And we'll just have to keep fighting!

ZACK: With HONOR!

BLIMBO: HONOR? PATHETIC. I HAVE NO NEED FOR HONOR. (The last of the Protadust binds to BLIMBO, and he starts to emit a blinding red light.

KATURIAN: (Looking away) Gah, what is this?!

?: MY TRUE FORM! (The light dissipates, and where BLIMBO was standing stands a man in the likeness of the Nameless God, with hair half silver and half red, with his eyes different colors as well; the red eye on the side where his hair is silver, his silver eye on the side with red hair. He wears a silver sheet of armor beneath a crimson cloak) KNOW MY NAME!

FINAL CALAMITY:

EMBODIMENT OF THE END, BLISSTOPHER ABORANGEL

(Boss theme: "The Endless Knot" by Haken)

BLISSTOPHER ABORANGEL held out his hands, in which appeared two swords: One orange and one silver. KATURIAN and TR8R readied their spectral swords, ZACK his Buster sword, MAY FROM POKEMON her sword Vermilious, GANDALF his staff, OCELOT his revolvers, and ARIEL and TUPOLSKI their guns.

BLISSTOPHER: MY POWER IS INFINITE! DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN TAKE ME DOWN WITH JUST EIGHT PEOPLE!?

KATURIAN: We may be just eight, but turn the number 8 sideways and you get infinity.

BLISSTOPHER: THAT MAY BE. BUT UNTWIST INFINITY AND YOU GET BACK TO 0.

KATURIAN: Maybe so. But hey, let's stop talking and see what happens.

BLISSTOPHER: SO BE IT. (BLISSTOPHER ABORANGEL screams and his back bursts open with an explosion of blood as a thousand long, skinless, fetal arms emerge from his back. His eyes melt down and trail on his face, leaving two black holes with eyes for tears. His pants burst open, revealing a massive, skinless penis-like appendage, at the end of which was the screaming face of a seven month fetus. Some of the fetal arms start tearing each other off, then reshaping themselves into horrific wings of arms. BLISSTOPHER stabs both of his swords into the left and right sides of his chest, then bends over in pain. Everyone looks at each other, confused, when BLISSTOPHER looks back up at them, his smile extended upwards to the holes where his eyes used to be, toothless and pitch black.)

KATURIAN: Do you think we're afraid of you?

BLISSTOPHER: I'M COUNTING ON YOUR COURAGE! (BLISSTOPHER leaps into the sky, and flies along this sentence, then sends it hurtling down towards the party, all of whom narrowly dodge.

KATURIAN: (Reading the words that were hurled at them) Fuck! He's catching up!

TUPOLSKI: What the fuck is the Nameless God doing?!

OCELOT: Patience, comrades. Have faith; He knows what he's doing. (At that moment BLISSTOPHER ABORANGEL came divebombing down towards them. Everyone except GANDALF jumped out of the way on time, and they burst through the ground in an explosion of words and letters. BLISSTOPHER and GANDALF spiraled down into a cavern beneath the Earth's surface, falling towards the Qliphoth that awaited beneath. GANDALF punched BLISSTOPHER in the face several times, then flipped him over so that he was on top and aimed their descent towards a bit of rock, which they burst through, once more, in an explosion of words. GANDALF looked through the words that flew around them and saw one saying "Sky".)

GANDALF: (Pointing his staff towards the word "Sky") TELEPORT! (Suddenly both he and BLISSTOPHER were up in the sky and descending down towards the battlefield. GANDALF leapt from BLISSTOPHER and was caught by a giant bald eagle.

GANDALF: You showed up just in time, old friend.

EAGLE: CAWWWWW!

GANDALF: No, I'll need to keep working on the girth limit of my asshole before I let you do anything like that to me.

EAGLE: CAWWWWW! (The Eagle landed on the ground, and everyone stood looking up as BLISSTOPHER descended towards them)

BLISSTOPHER: (Laughing) YOU THINK YOU STAND A CHANCE.

ARIEL: Oh fuck off, you think we have a chance! Of course we fucking have a chance! We're fucking standing our ground, aren't we?!

BLISSTOPHER: YOU DON'T EVEN REALIZE HOW YOU'RE CHANGING. (Everyone looks down at the rest of their bodies and are horrified to see that parts of their flesh have been corrupted, becoming pink and raw) MY CELLS HAVE ALREADY INFECTED ALL OF YOU. SOON YOU WILL ALL MELD INTO ME!

KATURIAN: Until then… WE WON'T STOP FIGHTING YOU!

BLISSTOPHER: SO BE IT. BUT I HAVE NO TIME FOR YOU. (Floats towards the words in the sky)

GANDALF: Everyone! Get on! (Everyone obliges and climbs onto the eagle, then they fly upwards to the words in the sky to confront BLISSTOPHER.)

KATURIAN: (Stepping onto his name on the beginning of this line and drawing his sword) Blimbo! Do you know who I am?

BLISSTOPHER: AN INSECT WAITING TO BE CRUSHED.

KATURIAN: No. No, you're wrong. You see, what I am is… I'm your creator!

BLISSTOPHER: HA! DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT?

KATURIAN: Of course I believe that, I wrote…

BLISSTOPHER: YOU WROTE WHAT HE WROTE THAT YOU WROTE. THERE IS NO FREE WILL. BUT THEN, IN THE WORLD I'M ABOUT TO CREATE, THERE WILL BE NO NEED FOR FREE WILL. MY CELLS HAVE BEEN CARRIED ALL ACROSS THE WORLD BY THE WIND ITSELF. EVERYTHING WILL BECOME ONE IN A TIMELESS SPACE, AND THERE WILL BE NOTHING BUT BLISS. PURE BLISS.

KATURIAN: But what about individuality? What about the right to be ourselves? Surrendering that is not an acceptable price for bliss. Surrendering that is death. I'd rather live in an illusion than live in that. Living in the illusion that the stories I write are my own.

BLISSTOPHER: UNFORTUNATELY, YOU HAVE NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER.

KATURIAN: No, I don't. But I have faith that the Nameless God wants to tell a story where good eventually prevails, no matter the obstacles along the way.

BLISSTOPHER: FOOL! I AM THE NAMELESS GOD! I BARE HIS NAME WITHIN MINE!

GANDALF: No! You are but a fragment!

BLISSTOPHER: SILENCE!

ARIEL: That really got under his skin, huh?

TUPOLSKI: I'll say. Y'know, I bet this piece of shit isn't even part God. He's just some asshole that knows how to walk around in someone else's skin.

ARIEL: Is there even a name for someone like that?

TUPOLSKI: Yeah. Fucking pieces of shit.

BLISSTOPHER: SAY YOUR WORDS. THEY ARE MEANINGLESS AND FORGETTABLE. (Picks up the words "MEANINGLESS" and "FORGETTABLE" and wields them like weapons)

KATURIAN: Oh yeah? (Tries to pick up the word "individuality", but struggles; it's a pretty big word.)

ZACK: Hey, let me help you! (Helps pick up "individuality")

GANDALF: You're not alone! (Helps pick up "individuality")

MAY FROM POKEMON: We can do this together! (Helps pick up "individuality")

OCELOT: As a unit! (Helps pick up "individuality")

TR8R: As a team! (Helps pick up "individuality")

TUPOLSKI: What do you think, detective Ariel. Should we help out?

ARIEL: Yes, detective Tupolski. I do think we should help out. (They help pick up "individuality". Together, they are able to lift the word.)

KATURIAN: CHARGE! (They rush forward along the sentence, slamming "individuality" into BLISSTOPHER ABORANGEL)

BLISSTOPHER: Oof! (Flies backwards and is split into two different beings: one is BLIMBO, who begins falling back to Earth. The other is an unknown man with white hair, who flies further into text, breaks through it like a piece of paper, and isn't seen again as reality fixes that hole back up in the period at the end of this sentence. Everyone gets back onto the eagle)

GANDALF: Ah well. Who wants to live forever. DIVE! (The eagle dives, going right towards the falling body of BLIMBO. Once it's close enough, the eagle swallows BLIMBO whole, and then the land on the ground)(End music)

EAGLE: CAWWWW! (Instantly explodes into a pile of BLIMBO cells, sending the party flying in all directions)("A Cell Divides" by Haken starts playing in the background)

BLIMBO: (Rising from the puddle of dead eagle, without the skin of the Nameless God) FOOLS! YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD ME BESTED? YOU'VE JUST GUARANTEED MY VICTORY!

ARIEL: (Scratching at his deteriorating skin) Get it off! Get it off!

MAY FROM POKEMON: (Ripping open her own scalp) HELP!

KATURIAN: (Lies where he fell in sad defeat)

GANDALF: (Looking at his grey robes with a smile) I'll be back. (He dies)(The rest died on impact)

BLIMBO: IRSCH! IRSCH! IRSCH! IRSCH! (End music)

* * *

Scene 5:

(KATURIAN stands center stage, looking over THE AUDIENCE)

The story was going to finish in fashionably downbeat mode, with our heroes vanquished, the population consumed, and the world left an emotionless pile of flesh floating through the emptiness of space. But there was another ending, still somewhat downbeat, but somehow… somehow… more in keeping with the spirit of the thing…

* * *

Scene 6:

(SONIC sits a good distance from where BLIMBO and the EAGLE landed. A whole half of his body has been corrupted by the BLIMBO cells.)(Music: "A Beginning" by The Dear Hunter _)_

SONIC: Shit. I fucked up. I fucked up real bad. (Watches a little longer, scared and ashamed) I wanted him to have another chance at life. I gave everything for him. And he just tossed me to the side like I was nothing. (Looks at the stump where his leg used to be) Shit. (Sees BLIMBO walking towards him) Shit! (Sighs) There's only one thing to do now. (He grimaces as he draws Excalibur one last time. He holds it above his own chest) Mario, thou art revenged, even with the sword that kill'd thee. (Prepares to stab himself, when suddenly…)

?: Hold on a minute. (Time began to slow strangely)(SONIC turns and sees a man made of pillows sitting beside him, holding him)

SONIC: Wait, you're…

THE PILLOWMAN: I am.

SONIC: I see. (Closes his eyes in relief) Let's go. (A beat)(When SONIC opens his eyes he's back near his home in Green Hill Zone. In front of him, THE PILLOWMAN is talking to a YOUNG SONIC)

YOUNG SONIC: Who are you?

THE PILLOWMAN: Call me The Pillowman!

YOUNG SONIC: Hello, Pillowman!

THE PILLOWMAN: Hello, Sonic.

YOUNG SONIC: You know my name?

THE PILLOWMAN: I do. I know a lot about you.

YOUNG SONIC: Like what, Mr. Pillowman?

THE PILLOWMAN: You're going to do some things, Sonic. Some terrible things that will hurt a lot of people.

YOUNG SONIC: Oh… I'm sorry.

THE PILLOWMAN: No need to be sorry, Sonic. (A smile) You haven't done them yet.

YOUNG SONIC: Yay!

THE PILLOWMAN: But you will. And in the end, you'll be sad and alone and regret everything you've done.

YOUNG SONIC: Oh no! There must be some way to stop that from happening, right?

THE PILLOWMAN: There is. (A beat) You see that lake there?

YOUNG SONIC: Yeah.

THE PILLOWMAN: Go into it. Try going for a swim.

YOUNG SONIC: But… I can't swim…

THE PILLOWMAN: I know.

YOUNG SONIC: Oh… I see.

THE PILLOWMAN: Don't worry (Extends his hand). I'll be with you every step of the way.

YOUNG SONIC: (Taking his hand) Okay. (They walk into the lake. Bubbles rise to the surface where YOUNG SONIC walks, then they stay in one place. Then they disappear.) (On a hill some distance away, LIQUID SNAKE/ ELI and GENESIS RHAPSODOS stand watching the scene)

ELI: The Plot has been found. (They both smile, then walk away)

SONIC: (Seeing that the bubbles have disappeared, he looks at his gloved hands. They are starting to dissolve like dust in the wind.) This world of second chances has a second chance, huh? Ha! (A beat) Trust that with this end… a new beginning's waiting patiently. (He fades away)

TO BE BEGUN


	8. ACT VIII: ALWAYS & NEVER

**PILLOWMAN II**

Written by Christopher Rangel

 **ACT 8/I Days (ReMix): ALWAYS & NEVER**

* * *

Scene 1:

(Police interrogation room. KATURIAN sitting at table, centre, blindfolded. TUPOLSKI and ARIEL enter and sit opposite him, TUPOLSKI with a box file containing a large sheaf of papers.)

TUPOLSKI: Mister Katurian, this is Detective Ariel, I'm Detective Tupolski... Who left that on you?

KATURIAN: What? (Tupolski takes the blindfold off.)

TUPOLSKI: Who left this on you?

KATURIAN: Um, the man.

TUPOLSKI: Why didn't you take it off? It just looks stupid.

KATURIAN: I didn't think I was supposed to.

TUPOLSKI: It just looks stupid.

KATURIAN: (pause) Yes.

TUPOLSKI: Like I was saying, this is Detective Ariel and I'm Detective Tupolski.

KATURIAN: Well, the main thing I want to say is…

ARIEL: Jesus, Tupolski, how much time does this guy think we have?

TUPOLSKI: I don't know, Detective Ariel. Seems like he thinks we've got all night.

KATURIAN: Hah?

TUPOLSKI: Look, we already know what was done and who did it, so let's just, I don't know, get to the point?

KATURIAN: Who did it? Who did what?

TUPOLSKI: Your brother.

KATURIAN: Who did my brother?

ARIEL: No, smartass, what your brother did!

KATURIAN: What did my brother do? He's never done anything!

ARIEL: Oh, he's done something, alright.

KATURIAN: Where is he? What have you done with my brother?

TUPOLSKI: Relax. He's fine. We have him in the other room, safe and sound.

ARIEL: You're a writer, yeah?

KATURIAN: I am. What of it? (ARIEL and TUPOLSKI share a look, then TUPOLSKI pulls a story from the box file)

TUPOLSKI: (Putting the story in front of KATURIAN) Maybe you remember this story.

KATURIAN: The… story of the little green pig?

TUPOLSKI: Yeah, that's the one.

KATURIAN: What does this have to do with anything? (TUPOLSKI looks to the door and nods)(Enter MARIA the little deaf girl, covered in green paint, eating a bar of sea-salt ice cream, and REVOLVER OCELOT, also eating sea-salt ice cream)

OCELOT: Your brother already admitted to the crime. Come in, Michal. (Enter MICHAL)

KATURIAN: Jesus, Michal, what did you do that for?

MICHAL: I was just doing one of your stories, Katurian!

TUPOLSKI: One last question, Mr. Katurian.

KATURIAN + MICHAL: Yes?

TUPOLSKI: (To MICHAL) Not you, Mr. Katurian.

MICHAL: Oh, sorry.

TUPOLSKI: Mr. Katurian… what the hell is up with your brother?

ARIEL: Yeah, he spastic or something?

KATURIAN: He's not… spastic, no. He just got into an accident a few days ago, and he's been a little off.

ARIEL: A little… off?

KATURIAN: Yeah, just a little. Doctor says he should recover in a matter of days.

ARIEL: I see… (Motions to TUPOLSKI; they walk to a corner of the room and discuss for a few moments. MARIA and OCELOT continue eating their ice cream. ARIEL and TUPOLSKI return to the table)

TUPOLSKI: Normally, we'd have some sort of punishment for the two of you…

KATURIAN: Two of us? I didn't do…

ARIEL: Shut up!

TUPOLSKI: …as I was saying, normally we'd have some sort of punishment, but seeing as the little girl was unharmed, the parents aren't pressing any charges, and your brother is recovering from a head injury, you're free to go.

KATURIAN: Free to go?

ARIEL: Yeah. So get going, before we change our minds.

KATURIAN: Right. (Getting up) Thanks, officers. Come on, Michal.

MICHAL: Coming! (They exit)

REVOLVER OCELOT: Detective Ariel. Detective Tupolski. I would be honored if you would come along to the break room to join the rest of the station for my going away party.

TUPOLSKI: Well, I don't think we have any more cases to take care of.

ARIEL: We're good to go, Commandant.

OCELOT: You guys… You're pretty good. I'll be lucky if the Skinwalker regime is half as good as everyone here. But hey; we're mercenaries. (Exeunt)

* * *

Scene 2:

(A montage)

(Background Music: "Always & Never" by Coheed and Cambria)

OUTER HEAVEN CITY HQ

Master Miller walks over to the window and watches the sun set over his city.

?: (Somewhere off screen, singing the song) IF BEAUTY SITS THE CHILD'S KISS

OF LAUGHTER I AMEND…

VARIOUS PLACES IN OUTER HEAVEN CITY

Various people watch and cheer from the streets as Mario jumps from building to building, shouting "Wa-hoo!" with each leap. At the end of his course, a fun orgy awaits…

?: CAN YOU CATCH HER IF SHE RUNS?

Amy Rose stands along by a rail overlooking a lake. She turns as she is approached by none other than Big the Cat, who gets on one knee, opening a box containing a wedding ring.

?: WITH THIS I WOULD SHARE WITH YOU

ALL OF THIS COUNT TO NO END.

LOS ANGELES

Inside a bar, TR8R is seen drinking and talking with his friends, J.J. Abrams and actor Sunplation Bruce Willis Tom Hanks Bela. TR8R takes off his helmet with a laugh, revealing himself to be none other than Cool Satano. He smiles and takes a shot of Jameson. (SEE WINTER LEAVES LIKE A SON IN A PARADE)

?: BEHIND YOUR SEALED EYES YOU MISS

ALL THAT I'VE DONE FOR YOU

UNITED STATES

WASHINGTON D.C.

A television plays footage of a drone strike destroying an ISIS base. Watching the television is President Donald Trump, who is violently masturbating (See ONE FIST MAN).

?: WILL YOU CATCH ME WHEN I RUN?

THE KINGDOM OF DARKNESS

Gandalf stands on a hill, putting his map away as he looks over the Kingdom of Darkness (see TWICE UPON A MATTRESS). He reaches into his bag and pulls out his disguise…

?: IF TIMING PLAY EVIDENT

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY WHEN YOU'RE LATE?

LOCATION UNKNOWN

Zack Fair and Cloud Strife leave Sephiroth's office, going off on their next mission. Once they were gone, Sephiroth went to his closet and admired his favorite skin suit: the skin of Santa Claus (see WINTER LEAVES LIKE A SON IN A PARADE and TWICE UPON A MATTRESS)

?: STAY WITH ME AND FALL ASLEEP

PRAY TO GOD FOR NO BAD DREAMS

PRAETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA

PRESIDENT'S RESIDENCE

President Traumus De Groin walks through the garden, laughing with South Africa's first lady, Larmeese Plussing.

?: STAY WITH ME AND FALL ASLEEP

PRAY TO GOD FOR NO BAD DREAMS

HERE…

LONDON, ENGLAND

May from Pokemon sits in her living room, cradling her infant son, Claudio-Sanchez Rangel, when the front door opens, casting light upon them, as I, Christopher Rangel, step inside. Everyone smiles. (See WINTER LEAVES LIKE A SON IN A PARADE)

?: I'M STILL WAITING HERE, MY DEAR

FOR ONE KISS FROM YOU…

SO HERE…

NEW YORK CITY

Rischertoph Invincibus, a man who has yet to ascend to LOTUS CAERULEUS, awakens in Times Square, with nothing but his name. He looks up to the stars in the sky, clenching his fist. (See WINTER LEAVES LIKE A SON IN A PARADE and TWICE UPON A MATTRESS)

?: I'M STILL WAITING HERE, MY DEAR

TO KILL ALL OF YOU…

ANOTHER DIMENSION

A SENTIENT EARTH COVERED IN FLESH

BLIMBO: TO KILL ALL OF YOU.

BLIMBO WILL RETURN…

WHEN WINTER DOESN'T LEAVE…

(End music)

* * *

Scene 3 (Post credits scene):

"GIBBBAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!" screamed the monster chasing Shirc across the flaming sea of trash that was EBay.

"Fuck!" said Shirc Annegel! "Oh geez, fuck!" He rowed his boat faster and faster, hoping to get to the other side of EBay before he was eaten by the massive fat guy with no shirt and no face known as Gibby from iCarly that pursued him. "Almost… there…"

"GIBBBAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!" Gibby screamed, closing in on Shirc.

"I can't die… not before others know what I know!" said Shirc.

"GIBBAAAAAAAAAAY!"

"OH JEEZ, OH JEEZ, OH JEEZ!" Shirc was just close enough to the shore, where there sat a door. "YES!" Shirc leaps from the boat, jumps through the door, then sits against it, gasping for air. "Good… Godchris." (A beat) "I remember… his name! That's good." He looks around for a few moments. "For now, I'll make sure no one goes in there. But at some point I'll have to leave. It seems they were right; this… Internosphere is in fact a nexus between different Universes. But if the news I've read all over the place is to be believed, if these worlds really are inhabited by these… Skinwalkers, it would appear that Blimbo's will is able to extend in some form to other nearby worldlines. And I'm the only person who knows about it." Shirc yawned, having grown tired. "I'll have to tell someone… soon. But for now… I'll just… enjoy the silence…" He closed his eyes, then smiled. "President De Groin said I might meet my creator here…" he thought back on what he had learned about the Writer Gods of this multiverse. "I wonder… how he'll write me…"

* * *

CONTINUED IN:

THE DARKNESS BEHIND MY i's: AN iCARLY STORY

By Cole Petano

 _Curtains_

 _End of Play_


	9. ACT XMAS: HOLIDAY SPECIAL

**LOVELESS NOBODY XIII PRESENTS**

 _THE COMMANDANT COMES HOME FOR CHRISTMAS:_

 _A PILLOWMAN II HOLIDAY SPECIAL_

Written by Christopher Rangel

* * *

Previously on WINTER LEAVES LIKE A SON IN A PARADE:

"Isn't this fun?" said Loki.  
"This isn't fun", said Ocelot. "This is war." The Metal Gear marched forward, crushing every soldier in its path, while decimating the Army of the World with its railgun.  
"Hey you!" shouted Watson. "Down here!" The Metal Gear looked down and Ocelot laughed.  
"Really?! That's a cute pistol you have there. You're pretty good!" he raised Metal Gear's foot to crush Watson, who prepared for a painful death.  
"Wait a second", said Loki, a moment before Watson was crushed.  
"What the hell does that mean?" asked Ocelot. Watson took this time to scurry out from the shadow of the Metal Gear. Loki opened up Metal Gear's cockpit.  
"Hey, what are you doing?! Loki!" Loki picked up Revolver Ocelot and threw him out of the cockpit.

* * *

AND NOW

ONE HOUR LATER

Cold. That was the first thing he felt. Slowly, Revolver Ocelot's frosted eyelids began to creak open, blinking, blinking, only a quarter open, until the clear blue sky slowly faded into his vision. The Sun was up, and there were no clouds to clutter the view.

"Wh… where…" he mumbled, his cold lips cracking apart from one another. Using all the energy he could muster, he tried to sit upright. He made it half way before his arms refused to push him any further. Before he fell back down, he saw the figure of a green clad man walking towards him, though his vision was blurred. Then his strength gave out, and he was lying on the ground once more, his consciousness fading away…

* * *

OUTER HEAVEN HQ

Master Miller stood in his office, looking out the window. He heard the door open and said, without turning around, "I'm sure you two heard the news."

"We did," said Detective Tupolski.

"The Commandant is gone…" said Detective Ariel.

Master Miller nodded. "A casualty of the Great Skinwalker War." He turned around to speak to them, face to face. "No body has been recovered, but for the position to be filled, we must assume the worst."

"Have you selected a new Commandant?" asked Tupolski.

"I have," said Miller. "His codename is Naked Cat."

"The Commandant's nephew…" said Ariel.

"Yes," said Miller. "Ocelot trained him himself. He should fit his uncle's position well."

"We look forward to working with him, Boss," Tupolski said.

"Very good," said Miller. He turned back to the window. "Very good…"

* * *

WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN

Drowning in a world of flesh… He was drowning in a world of flesh, wrapping around his skin, inside of him, penetrating every opening, every pore, every atom. The word repeated over and over again, "Irsch! Irsch! Irsch! Irsc! Irs! Hrs! Hes! Hey!"

"Agh!" Ocelot screamed, bolting upright, awakened in a sweat.

"Woah, woah, woah!" said the man in the green tunic next to him. "Didn't mean to frighten you!"

"Who are you?"

"Me? Well, I'm Buddy the Elf," said Buddy the Elf. "What's your name?"

"My name's not important," said Ocelot. He looked around. "But you can call me Ocelot." As his vision became clearer he saw that he was in a cave. A fire was blazing beside him, keeping him warm. "How long have I been out?"

"It's been nine years…"

"Nine years?!"

"Just kidding!" said Buddy the fucking Elf. "It's been about a day. I gotcha good, though, didn't I? Gotcha real good."

"Yeah, you got me," said Ocelot. "Hey, you got anything to fucking eat around here?"

"Here, try this," said Buddy the Elf. He stuck a bottle into Ocelot's mouth, gently squeezing it to let the maple syrup flow. Ocelot's eyes started to cross. His face went flush and his tongue started sticking out. Buddy the Elf had him going full Ahegao with his big, thicc bottle of syrup. Ocelot realized what he was really longing for was cock as he let the sweet, sticky goodness flow down his throat. He decided that once Buddy removed the bottle from his mouth, he would ask if there was any chicken to eat.

Buddy removed the bottle from his mouth. "Are you good?"

Ocelot nodded in response, his mouth open, strings of syrup stretching from his tongue to the roof of his mouth. It felt good to have something inside him. His tongue performed a final sweep around his mouth to collect the final bits of syrup, then he gave one final, satisfied swallow. He looked to his elf savior.

"That was pretty good," said Ocelot.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it," said Buddy, taking a swig of syrup himself.

"Hey, if you don't mind my asking," began Ocelot, "Where are we?"

Buddy swallowed the sticky syrup hard. "Where are we?" He laughed. "We're at the fucking north pole!"

"What?!" said Ocelot. He tried thinking back to his last memory before he had lost consciousness. He was piloting the Metal Gear. Then that god, Loki, opened the cockpit, picked him up, and threw him… all the way to the North Pole? Ocelot shivered as a cold wind blew into their cave.

"Do you want some cocoa?" Buddy asked.

"Please," said Ocelot.

* * *

OUTER HEAVEN HQ:

Detectives Ariel and Tupolski are working in their office when the door opens and in walks an unknown man. He is very tall, has an eyepatch, and appears to be very violent.

"'Sup, bitches," said the man.

"You must be the new Commandant," said Tupolski.

"That's right," said the Commandant. "Name's Naked Cat. Here to take dear departed Uncle Oce-Thot's place as your Commandant. Any questions?"

"No, sir," said Ariel, who was then promptly punched in the arm by Cat.

"I said any questions?!"

"No! No questions!" Cat punched him in the arm again. "What the fuck?!" Ariel yelled, and he punched Cat back in the chest.

"Is that fucking insubordination, Detective?!"

"Fuck off insubordination," Ariel said, spitting. "Commandant!"

"I like you!" said Cat. "I think we'll get on fine."

"We'll see about that," said Ariel.

"We'll… see," Cat said, pointing to his own eye + eyepatch combo with two fingers, then to Ariel's eyes and back and forth, backing up and out of the room.

Ariel seethed in frustration as Tupolski gave an indifferent shrug, saying "Bit of a prick, huh? Bit of a prick…"

* * *

THE NORTH POLE

Revolver Ocelot and Buddy the Elf trekked through the snow.

"You're lucky I was there to see you land," said Buddy. "Otherwise you would have frozen out here!"

"I appreciate it," said Ocelot. "What were you doing out here, anyways?"

"Me?" said Buddy. "Security detail. Patrolling the woods to make sure no one sneaks in, trying to steal any Christmas presents." He thought for a moment. "You're not here to steal any presents, are you?"

"No," said Ocelot. "I was merely tossed here by fate. And a giant fucking robot."

"You know, I've personally always pictured fate as a giant fucking robot."

"Really?"

"No."

"Me neither," said Ocelot. "So if one day has passed… that must make it December 22nd, right? Crunch time for you elves."

"Yeah, big time," said Buddy. "This year's a big one."

"I'll bet," said Ocelot. Buddy reached into his pocket, pulling out a cigarette, lighting it, and putting it in his mouth.

"Christmas… has changed," he said.

"Oh yeah?" said Ocelot. "How so?"

"It's no longer about Santa, Rudolph, or naughty or nice. It's an endless series of commercialism, advertised by corporations and machines. Christmas, and it's consumption of ad space, has become a well-oiled machine. Christmas… has changed. I saw it coming a long time ago. That's why, three years ago, I helped some intruders find and kill Santa Claus. I thought things would change, that things would be different, with someone else in command. But things went exactly the way I thought they would anyway once Jack Skellington became the new King of Christmas." He took a long drag on his cigarette. "That's when I realized: it wasn't Santa's fault. It was the way of the world. And I don't think I can change the world, but in a world that I can't change, I figure, hey, I'll still try to do my best."

"Alright," said Ocelot. "Like, I just met you, and that was kind of a lot. But I think I get you." He looked through the snow drifts in front of him. "How much longer to The Workshop?"

"It's only a few miles out from here," said Buddy.

"Don't suppose I might be able to hitch a ride on Skellington's sleigh and hop off when we reached Outer Heaven?"

"You can definitely try," said Buddy. After crossing more of the tundra, a large complex of buildings started poking its way up from the horizon. "We're almost there."

Just then they were approached by a squad of elves, all riding reindeer and carrying candy cane colored assault rifles. They came to a stop before Buddy and Ocelot.

"Oh, hey Bernard," Buddy said to the leader, who was somewhat taller than the other elves, wore a green beret, and had an eyepatch over his left eye.

"Buddy," Bernard said with a nod. "Who is this?"

"This is my new friend, Ocelot," said Buddy. "He's lost and trying to get back home."

"Buddy," said Bernard, "You know we can't let outsiders within our borders."

"I know," said Buddy. "But he fell from the sky."

Bernard looked at Ocelot. "Fell from the sky, huh?"

Ocelot nodded. "I was flung by a god during a decisive battle in the Great Skinwalker War," said Ocelot. "I just happened to land at the North Pole."

"I see," said Bernard, hopping off of his reindeer. He approached Ocelot, who stood at attention, and looked him up and down. "You're armed."

"Like I said," began Ocelot, "I was in a battle."

"I'm going to need to take that from you," said Bernard, reaching for Ocelot's revolver. Ocelot grabbed his wrist and looked him right in the eye.

"I'm not letting you do that," said Ocelot. Bernard returned the gaze, then withdrew a couple of steps. The two men began circling each other, arms ready, eyes locked.

"Many years ago," began Bernard the Elf, "a group of people infiltrated Santa's workshop. Do you see this eyepatch?"

"I see it," said Ocelot.

"During their infiltration, I was one of the elves who fought to defend Santa. I got this from a grenade, thrown by Solid Snake, one of the infiltrators. Shrapnel took my eye right out. That's why I'm wary of outsiders, especially when they're being escorted by Buddy here."

"Oh yeah," said Buddy. "That was my fault."

"I'm not meaning any trouble," said Ocelot. "I just want to get back home. Outer Heaven. The country in the middle of South Africa. I just want to ask your boss if he can give me a lift while he's out delivering his presents Christmas night."

"You want to see the boss man, huh?" said Bernard.

"That's right," said Ocelot. Bernard stepped forward and tried delivering a chop to the right side of Ocelot's neck, but Ocelot dodged under it, caught Bernard around the waist with his left arm, then got him with a chokehold with his right.

"You're… pretty… good," Bernard struggled to say. Ocelot grunted then shoved him away. Bernard turned back around and smiled. He looked to the other elves. "Alright, men. Let's take him to Sandy Claws."

* * *

OUTER HEAVEN

"6, 5, 4, 3..." Ariel began. Tupolski shot the bag-headed prisoner in the back of the head, causing him to collapse to the ground.

"Alright, let's go," said Tupolski, and they headed to the break room. They both reached into their pockets, pulled out, and lit cigarettes.

"Hey Tupolski," said Ariel. "Do you think we really had to execute that last guy?"

Tupolski shrugged. "Commandant's order."

"I know, and I'm usually down for a good execution myself, but… I dunno… that one seemed like a bit much. I mean, all the guy did was eat a coworker's enchilada. I mean, I'd be pissed if you did that to me, Tupolski, but I wouldn't try to shoot you in the head. Probably. And he's been ordering so many executions lately."

"I don't get paid to think about why I'm shooting people in the head, Detective Ariel," said Tupolski. "I just get paid to shoot people in the head."

"I know," said Ariel. "But this close to Christmas. Do you think the commandant has some bad Christmas memories?"

"I don't know," said Tupolski. He took a puff of his cigarette. "And I don't really care."

* * *

THE NORTH POLE

Ocelot stepped through the door, Buddy to his left and Bernard to the right, approaching the candy cane throne at the center of the room. They stopped, and Ocelot raised an eyebrow.

"There's nobody here," he said. Then the lights turned off, a spotlight shown on the throne, and a holiday rendition of King Crimson's "In the Court of the Crimson King" began playing in the background (the only difference from the original being that it had the sound of sleigh bells going to the rhythm of the song). Shadows oozed in from the surrounding shadows, flowing over the throne like black fog. The darkness rose, into the form of an evil smile, which grew a hundred times in size, emitting a strange light from somewhere within it that flashed across the room as he laughed, a menacing strobe light. The elves lining the throne room stood motionless, and Ocelot got into his offensive position, bet then the shadowy mouth stopped laughing, only grinning with pointed teeth, then began to shrink, centered on the throne, until it reformed into the figure of Jack Skellington, legs crossed and head resting on one fist, a menacing grin spread across his face.

"The name's Jack Skellington," said Jack Skellington. "Welcome to the Court of the Christmas King."

"An honor, my lord," Ocelot said.

"I've been told you want to ride my sleigh all the way to Outer Heaven, am I right?"

"Yes," said Ocelot.

"Considering the fact that you could just as easily take an airplane, part of me feels I should charge a fee," said Jack Skellington. "It doesn't feel quite right that I should give you a free ride. And yet, it is Christmas," he smiled again. "So what the heck."

Ocelot gave a slight bow. "Thank you very much, your highness," he said. "And one more thing."

Jack's eye socket moved as if an eyebrow that wasn't there had been raised. "And what is that?"

"I'd like to write a letter," he said, "To let my friends know that I'm on my way."

* * *

OUTER HEAVEN

Naked Cat held the letter in his hand. "Impossible," he said. "Impossible!" He read the letter over again. "He can't possibly be alive!" He started pacing his quarters, then crumpled the letter into a ball and flung it into the fire with a yell. "He's not taking this away from me!" he said. He walked to his desk and started writing out some plans. "Will be home Christmas night, huh? Well, Christmas night, security will have to be tightened, and on the lookout for an imposter of the old Commandant. Sorry, dear uncle, this won't go the way you want it to…" He looked at the rifle he had mounted over his desk and smiled.

* * *

MIDNIGHT

CHRISTMAS EVE

THE SKIES OVER OUTER HEAVEN

High in the sky, Jack Skellington's sleigh flew through the night. A shooting star that never faded away, piloted by a Skellington Man and flown by Skellingotn reindeer and led by Skellington's Ghoste Doge ZERO.

Ocelot looked out over the edge of the sleigh as they traversed the plane between Earth and the heavens, observing the luminescent symmetry of city lights reflecting the light of the stars.

"YEET!" Jack Skellington yelled as he yeeted another present out of his sleigh and into a chimney below. Ocelot watch the gift fall, mentally preparing himself for his own descent.

"Approaching OUTER HEAVEN HQ," Skellingman told Ocelot. "Are you ready?"

Ocelot grunted, then stood himself beside the sleigh's edge. He was dressed in badass parachuting attire. "My first HALO jump," he said. "Of course I'm ready!"

"We've reached the drop zone," said The Christmas King. "Looks like they're on alert. Might want to be careful."

"Odd," said Ocelot, looking down at the spotlights that were shining around.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Jack asked. "GO! GO! GO!" Ocelot dove from the sleigh, falling through atmospheric oblivion towards the speck beneath him he called home. The freezing wind penetrated his suit, but gravity slows for no man, and so the plummet continued.

Beneath him was the sprawling metropolis of Outer Heaven City, quiet and calm in the warm air of summer in the southern hemisphere. He pulled the cord and a parachute exploded from the pack on his back. He landed running on the ground, instantly dropping the parachute pack and running into the shadows.

"Hey, does anyone else see that random-ass parachute there?" a guard asked as he came across the parachute. "What the fuck is that about?"

"I don't fucking know," said Guard B. "It's probably nothing."

"Ye, probably nothing," said the first guard, and they continued patrolling.

"Security is tight," Ocelot said. He made sure his revolver was loaded. He looked at his feet and saw that he was standing on a newspaper, the headline reading "NAKED CAT NAMED NEW OUTER HEAVEN COMMANDANT!" Ocelot sneered. "What are you playing at, nephew?" He dropped the newspaper, then snuck towards the door, pressing himself close to the wall and staying concealed in shadow.

The guards didn't notice as he snuck in through the door, then traversed numerous hallways, elevators, and floors. He knew this building like the back of his hand, every hall, every hiding spot, etc. He was closing in on his destination, the elevator that would take him to the command room, when he was found.

"Stop!" someone yelled from behind him. Ocelot did so, raising both of his hands in the air. "Don't move!"

"I won't," said Ocelot. "I know who you are."

"C… Commandant?"

"No, I believe that's my nephew now," said Ocelot. He knew it was safe to turn around, so he did so. "Ariel, Tupolski. I'm glad it's the two of you that found me."

"You're damn lucky, that's for sure," said Tupolski.

"We've got orders to take you to Naked Cat," said Ariel. "Of course, I'm sure that's what you want anyways."

"It is," said Ocelot. "I have some things to talk over with my nephew this Christmas night.

Tupolski nodded, then took out his walkie-talkie. "This is Detective Tupolski speaking. We've got him. Over."

"Very good," said the voice on the other side of the transmission. "Bring him to me. Over."

"As you wish, sir," said Tupolski. "Over." He put away his talkie. "He wants to talk to you as well, sir."

"I figured as much," said Ocelot. "Let's go."

Ariel and Tupolski escorted Ocelot the rest of the way to the elevator. Every so often they would pass another officer in the building that would just stop and stare as they passed, wondering how Ocelot's "imposter" looked so close to the genuine article.

"Shall we accompany you, Commandant?" Ariel asked as they stood before the Central Elevator.

"No," said Ocelot. "I need to face my nephew alone. Thank you for taking me this far, old friends." Ocelot stepped into the elevator, then turned to face his comrades, seeing their salutes as the elevator doors closed.

It was a long ride to the top of the building. Ocelot controlled his breathing, controlled his nerves, to make sure he was completely in control of his own part in the upcoming confrontation. Once the doors opened, he saw a figure standing by the window wall, silhouetted by the full moon.

"So you're alone, aren't you, uncle?" the silhouette said without turning around.

"I am."

"Hmph," said the figure. "I suppose I was fooling myself, thinking this would go any other way."

"Inded," said Ocelot. He pulled out his revolver and gave the chambers a spin. The figure turned around and fired a single shot at Ocelot. The sound of the gunshot rang through the room, and Ocelot, unscathed, smiled. "You should always look before you shoot, nephew."

"I suppose so," said the figure. It stepped into the light, revealing itself to be Naked Cat, wielding a rifle. "So you've come back, and you want to take back my job."

"That's the idea," said Ocelot. He raised an eyebrow. "Have I done something to upset you?"

"Hm…" hummed Cat. He looked at his own gun. "I guess I was just hoping… for once you would give me a Christmas present."

"That's all, then!?" Ocelot scoffed. "Just because I wouldn't give you my gun for Christmas."

"'You'll shoot your eye out, kid!'," Cat said with a smirk.

"From the looks of it, I was right to say that…" Ocelot said, regarding his nephew's eyepatch. "Ralphie."

"Don't call me that!" Naked Cat yelled.

"It's better than your codename," said Ocelot. "Naked Cat… you're trying too hard to be like me, but your codename itself marks you as inferior."

"Prepare to be executed, imposter," said Naked Cat/ Ralphie, readying another shot with his Red Ryder Carbine Action Rifle.

"So that's how we're doing this," said Ocelot. He began loading the chambers of his revolver. "This is the greatest handgun ever made. The Colt…"

"…Single Action Army," finished Ralphie. "I know. But can it hold its own against the greatest rifle ever made?"

"Let's find out," said Ocelot, and they both jumped for cover (Ocelot behind a wall and Ralphie behind the desk).

Ocelot counted to three, then stepped out and fired three bullets, which shattered the window, then ducked behind an office tree.

"You're down three bullets, uncle!" Ralphie yelled, then Ocelot did a somersault as the plant pot he was hiding behind shattered following the sound of a round being shot from Ralphie's rifle. As Ralphie reloaded, Ocelot was sitting safely on the other side of the desk.

"Are you serious?" Ralphie said.

"This is a strong-ass desk," Ocelot responded. "Miller has told me that on multiple occasions. Neither of us will be able to shoot the other through it, so we're going to have to talk."

"Not interested," said Ralphie. "But if you want to do yourself in, the window's wide open. I won't shoot."

"Hmph," said Ocelot. "We both know that isn't happening."

"Worth a shot," said Ralphie.

"So, how is it going, being the new commandant?"

"Oh, it's going alright," said Ralphie. "Yeah, like, it's a bit difficult, but I think I'm getting the hang of it."

"What's so difficult?"

"Well, you know, having officers interrogate the prisoners is a bit resource consuming."

"So how have you been taking care of it?"

"Well, I figure, at least half of the prisoners are guilty, so I took a page out of the book of the great philosopher, THANOS, and had half of them executed. I'm sure I got some of the guilty ones." Ralphie paused a second. "Is… that what you would have done, uncle?"

Ocelot gave a half-hearted smirk. "Not quite, Ralphie." He thought for a moment. "Why are you so determined to kill me and take my job, Ralphie? You know that I'm more than willing to take you under my wing as an apprentice, and train you for the day I have to leave the position. I'm not a young man anymore, Ralphie. That day won't be all too far away."

"Because… because…" said Ralphie. "That sounds like a good plan, actually."

"If I leave my cover, will you cease fire?"

"Yeah," said Ralphie. "I think I will."

"Alright," said Ocelot. He stood up, immediately grabbing the rifle barrel that he knew would be there, pointed it over his shoulder as Ralphie pulled the trigger, and pushed forward, climbing over the desk and rushing Ralphie towards the shattered window.

"I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY!" Ralphie yelled, followed by a shrieking "NOOOOOO!" as Ocelot shoved him out the open window, then held onto him by the shirt collar. His beloved rifle fell to the streets below.

"I hope that's a resilient shirt you're wearing," Ocelot said. "Hate for it to tear and have you fall. I suspect you won't fare as well as that toy gun you had."

"Don't kill me!" Ralphie pleaded.

"What was that?"

"Please, please don't kill me!"

"Silly Ralphie," said Ocelot. "The dead can't kill!" Ralphie screamed as Ocelot loosened his grip on his collar.

"I'M SORRY, JESUS, I'M SORRY, PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!"

"Hmm…" Ocelot thought. "Well, it is Christmas. Here is your present, nephew." And with that Ocelot flung Ralphie back inside the room. He smashed into a wall and fell to the floor, coughing and shaking. The elevator dinged, and Master Miller entered the room.

"What the ever loving FUCK is going on in here?!" Miller exclaimed. "Ocelot!? I thought you were dead! What the FUCK are you doing here, and what the FUCK did you do to my window?!"

"He did it," said Ocelot, pointing at Ralphie. "And watch your language. It is Christmas."

"You're right," said Miller. "It is Christmas." He walked over to the Christmas tree in the corner of the room and plugged in the lights, all of which lit up immediately in every color that Christmas lights usually come in, as well as several not known to man.

Ralphie spat out a tooth, then said "It's missing something."

"You're right," said Miller, looking at the spot where a star should have been. The elevator dinged again, and in walked Ariel, Tupolski, Katurian, and Michal.

"Sorry we're late," said Katurian. "The building was a bit locked down."

"I noticed," said Miller, scowling at that piece of dogshit Ralphie.

Michal walked over to the Christmas tree and put a big old star on the top, then turned to the camera and said "Merry Christmas, everyone!" Then everyone in the room started singing the "Whoville Christmas Song" from _The Grinch_ (You know, that song that goes "Yahoo Doray" and shit? Ye, that song's a fuckin' jam). In the far background, Jack Skellington's sleigh is seen silhouetted in the moonlight.

THE END


End file.
